Child’s Play Retrospective (1988-2013): We’re Friends ‘Til The End, Remember? Hidey-Ho!

Chucky Retrospective (1988-2013)

Child’s Play 3 (1991)

Directed by Jack Bender

Child’s Play 3So, I died last time at a toy factory, which means that it was pretty easy to put my soul into a new doll. I strangled the CEO of the toy company, because why not, and then I went after Andy again. I then found this sap named Tyler who I realized would make a much better patsy than Andy. (Once you’ve been attacked by a killer me a few times, you’re pretty much on the ready.) It didn’t work out either! I got half of my head chopped off, and then, before I could inhabit either of those stupid teens’ bodies, I got thrown into a fan. A fan. You know what else gets killed by fans? Nothing. Fans are giant cat-confusers as far as I’m concerned. It would be the lamest point in my life if I hadn’t found out that I’d had a weird son later, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

Bride of Chucky (1998)

Directed by Ronny Yu

Bride of ChuckySo, turns out, my ex, Tiffany, a smokin’ hot, completely nuts woman, found my pieces and brought me back to life. She was screwing some guy named Damien at the time, and after he insulted my junk, I killed him and ended up being locked in a playpen by Tiffany, ‘cause women, right?

So, when Tiffany was taking a bath, I pushed a TV in the tub with her, which is a classic move. Her soul gets put into a bride doll, so now, we were on equal footing. She was furious at me at first, but then I told her about this amulet that I was wearing the night I died as a human, and that it would restore her soul to an actual body. She went along with this, so we got two kids, Jesse and Jade, to drive us to where my old body was buried. Things were looking pretty good.

Bride of Chucky

Along the way, I ended up proposing to Tiffany since I saw how great she was at murdering folks. Let’s be honest, how many doll-sized hotties are you going to find that are good at stuff like that? I’m waiting. The answer is two, me and her, so we were made for each other. Then we had sex, ‘cause it had been a while.

We get to the amulet and Tiffany stabs me in the back! Not metaphorically, but literally, stabs me in the back, giving me this “we should be dead” nonsense. I end up getting shot in the face and later, it turns out that I knocked up Tiffany. I was gonna be a Dad!

Seed of Chucky (2004)

Directed by Don Mancini

Seed of ChuckyMy kid, named Glen (not Glenda. If Tiffany tells you that his name is Glenda, she’s lying out her ass. She’s been known to do that) revives my body and my lady’s body from puppets made for a film version of our exploits. However, when Tiffany finds out that she has a kid, she goes all soft on me and wants to stop killing. As if I can just find another career besides doing what I’m best at. “Excuse me. I might not be right for managerial services, but I did commit homicide with a ruler once. I think I’d be perfect for this, what is it called? Pizza Hut?” No. Not gonna happen. And I kind of liked being a doll at this point. It’d grown on me.

Seed of Chucky, Glen

So, I try to get ‘em to see it my way, and lo and behold, Glen ends up hacking me apart. I was proud, in the weirdest way possible, and Tiffany and Glen got their wish of being real people.

Oh, so you want to know some film stuff about the movies, right? Well, I’m not Leonard Maltin or whatever, but I’ll give it a shot. In this order: Child’s Play. Child’s Play 2. Child’s Play 3. Bride Of Chucky. Seed Of Chucky. Awesome. Cool, eh? Cool, suck. I’ll take back the “eh” and “suck” part for 3 and Seed. Just fast forward to whenever I’m onscreen. You’re not looking for “human drama” are you? There ain’t enough subtitles in my movies to classify anything as a “human drama.”

The Verdict

Yell! Magazine skull rating? I give me a 5 skulls out of 5. One skull for how good I am with sharp objects. One skull for baggin’ a hot chick. One skull for lasting six movies. One skull for how good Brad Dourif was at voicing me. And finally, one skull for my sharp-objectstalent, again. Aww, did you want a legitimate review, Internet? I’m Chucky. Expect the completely expected. Later, morons. I’ve got to accomplish a sixth film before they reboot my ass.

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