Hey, sports. It’s Chucky. You might know me from movies that you’ve seen. And if you know me from that, you might also know that I’ve got a new one coming out next year, called Curse Of Chucky. If you didn’t know, fucking surprise.
I know that you probably spend far too much time drinking Mountain Dew and wondering why your cheating girlfriend hasn’t called to sit through five movies about me, so I’ll fill you in. A death-rospective, if you will. Now, as the most notorious killer doll in the universe, my opinions on my own damn life might be a bit biased. But think about this: I’m Chucky and I’m your best friend. Would I lie to you?
Child’s Play (1988)
Directed by Tom Holland
See, once I was Charles Lee Ray, a badass serial killer who’s only flaw was being a human. I know that humans would like to think of themselves as the most dominant things on the globe, but we have one fatal flaw, we die. Get it? Fatal flaw. Dying. That’s great. Write that down for Chucky 7.
I’d been shot by some detective, but considering that I knew all sorts of voodoo and shit, I put my soul in a Good Guy doll, which is what most people call “irony.” Sure, now I had these lame ass suspenders and red hair that looked like it came off an orphanage’s collection of Peter Pan figures, but at least I could survive. Or that’s what I thought.
I got shot as a doll, and bled. I bled! Do you know how many dolls bleed? Follow the sound of the crying children if you want to scavenger hunt that number. Needless to say, I was surprised, so I go to the guy who taught me voodoo as a human, and he says that I have to put my soul in the first person that I confided the truth about my not-really-being-a-doll to, because I’m slowly becoming more of a man as a doll. Do you know how much it would suck to be a doll sized man? I can’t go through drive-thrus. Picking up girls at bars would be nearly impossible. I can’t really think of any more reasons why I’d hate it, but suffice it to say, I needed a body, fast. So I chose Andy, the kid who I was given to accidentally at the beginning of the movie.
It doesn’t work out as smoothly as I planned. I got set on fire, dismembered, shot in the heart, and then put in bags for police evidence. Obviously, not my finest hour.
Child’s Play 2 (1990)
Directed by John Lafia
So I get rebuilt and go after Andy again. Why did they rebuild me? Well, the idiot that did it is dead as shit, so you can’t ask him. Call it “luck.” Or maybe you should call it “I’m a super-powered doll with a human soul who’s pretty hard to kill.” Ease off your “logic,” Internet. Sometimes, us killers come back ‘cause we’re better than you and CAN come back. Don’t question it. Just enjoy the movie, mouth breathers.
Andy gets accused of some of the murders I did, and I tried to do another ritual but it got interrupted and I got pissed. So I decided to kill Andy. I wasn’t thinking clearly. It was a crime of passion, which ended up being a crime of Chucky getting his head blown off. Strike two.
Continue reading about Child’s Play 3, Bride of Chucky, and Seed of Chucky after the jump…