Everything I Know About Sex, I Learned From KISS

kiss hotter than hell album art retouched

If you were fortunate enough to get into KISS at an early age and if you were wise enough to pay attention, you amassed an exorbitant amount of sexual knowledge. If you had the cojones to put that knowledge into action, you got laid — a lot! Not as often as Gene, but enough to warrant a new belt.

One thing that’s surprising when you consider KISS lyrics, is that the majority of the songs are about relationships and less about sex itself. So you end up with a lot of, “I love you, won’t you be mine?”-type of lyrics. It’s also noteworthy to mention that KISS lyrics suffered in the mid-’80s; they were filled with forced metaphors like, “I wanna put my log in your fireplace.” (Really? That’s the best you could come up with, Gene?) In all fairness, Gene Simmons was less involved in KISS then he should have been at the time. Truth be told, KISS had two golden eras in terms of lyrics: the ‘70s and the late ‘80s/early ‘90s.

kiss playboy crop

There are a lot of KISS naysayers out there. Some people say that KISS never contributed anything to rock music. Some people say that they weren’t good musicians. Some say that they have been nothing more than a gimmick. Well, gimmicks don’t last 40 years; Gene Simmons carried many KISS songs with some amazing licks and Ace Frehley, with “Fractured Mirror,” inspired a generation of guitarists (including Pantera’s Dimebag Darrell, who had Ace’s solo album’s cover art tattooed on his chest); and the costumes, makeup, and theatrics have also been carried over into modern metal like Slipknot and various black metal bands.

Plus they helped generations of dudes get laid.

If you’re starting from ground zero in your KISS path to sexual exploration, let me save you some time. Here you’ll find bits of advice I’ve culled from years of listening to KISS. Here you’ll find that Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From KISS.

I’m a huge KISS fan, so here’s to hoping you get the tongue-in-cheek spirit of this article.

No.13 “Uh! All Night”

Sex Is a Great Stress Reliever

We run ourselves ragged and spread ourselves thin in today’s world. We’re always somehow plugged in, connected, blogging, chatting, talking, scheduling, whatever. Work can call us anytime, even while we’re on vacation. It takes a really disciplined person to disconnect for even half a day. Stress levels are high. That’s a fact. Sure you can blast some of your high-blood pressure at the gym or by driving too fast, but one thing has remained constant; sex is the best stress reliever. Plus it’s the most fun.

When you work all day, you gotta Uh! all night
Well, we work all day”

No.12 “Makin’ Love”

Sometimes No Means Yes

We’re certainly not promoting rape, because when someone says no, it means no. No. Stop. Get the fuck off me. If you don’t stop, you deserve to have some concertina wire wrapped around your nut sack and then to be strung up from a barn rafter and piñata’d to death.

What makes this whole thing confusing is the fact that sometimes a girl tries to deny her carnal spirit, not wanting to appear too loose, so she’ll say no. It must be left over culture from the ‘50s or something. It’s a fine line to walk and only your judgment can guide you – provided your judgment is sane and uninebriated.

Red light, green light, don’t say “No”
I really want her, she says
“Stop, baby” go, go, go.
I really want her by my side
The whole night through
We do all the things that we wanna do.
Well, come on baby, don’t leave me sad,
‘Cause you’re good lookin’, the best I’ve had.
Makin’ love (makin’ love), makin’ love (makin’ love)

No.11 “C’mon And Love Me”

You Gotta Communicate

So many relationships are destroyed by a lack of communication. So many opportunities are missed because of some irrational fear of stating what you want. If you want sex, love, oral treatment, whatever, you gotta be able to say it – even if you just met the girl. Sure, in the latter case you might get slapped, but… it sometimes can work out for you. If you’re in a relationship, you should feel comfortable enough to express your desires. It’s sad to say, but even in our over-sexed culture, it’s still kind of taboo to talk about it. When will it end?

I said baby, baby, don’t you hesitate,
‘Cause I just can’t wait.
Lady, won’t you take me down to my knees?
You can do what you please.
C’mon and love me.

No.10 “Spit”

There Are Rewards to Chubby Chasing

Spit by KISS on Grooveshark
It’s sometimes OK to go chubby chasing – in fact, it’s the American thing to do according to KISS – at least that’s what I infer from the inclusion of the “Star Spangled Banner” solo in the song. Actually, given the current obesity rates, there’s not much else you can do. Nonetheless, only Gene could write these lyrics: he was never been very discriminate when it came to selecting a partner; he loves all women equally.

I want a lotta woman with a lotta love.
Well, thin is in, but it’s plain to see,
It don’t mean spit to me.
I need: big hips, sweet lips, make a man outta me.
The bigger the cushion,
The better the pushin’ – most definitely.

(I need a whole lotta woman),
To keep me satisfied.
(I need a whole lotta woman),
Baby, for ride after ride after ride.
(I need a whole lotta woman),
Yeah, ’cause what you are is what you eat,
And I need something sweet.

No.9 “Calling Dr. Love”

Be Confident in Your Skills

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; women love confident men. While “Calling Dr. Love” borders on cocky, which women categorically don’t like, its message is a good one: Know your sexual skills, know that they’re good, and you can score any woman you want. Also know that your love is addictive and women will be destroyed when you take it away.

You need my love baby, oh so bad.
You’re not the only one I’ve ever had.
And if I say I wanna set you free,
Don’t you know you’ll be in misery?
They call me (Dr. Love),
They call me Dr. Love (calling Dr. Love).
I’ve got the cure you’re thinkin’ of (calling Dr. Love).
And even though I’m full of sin,
In the end you’ll let me in.
You’ll let me through, there’s nothin’ you can do.
You need my lovin’, don’t you know it’s true?

There so much more about sex that you could learn from KISS after the jump…

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