Everything I Know About Sex, I Learned From KISS

No.8 “Sweet Pain”

S&M Is Often Part of the Sexual Experience (Get Used to It)

Sweet Pain by KISS on Grooveshark
It’s no secret that Gene Simmons is/was a whore. The lyrics of “Sweet Pain” probably have more to do with his leather stage outfit than an S&M get-up, and the different kind of love is probably groupie sex, and the sweet pain is either said groupie realizing that she is a groupie to be forgotten or Gene’s passing of a venereal disease to her.

Still, the sex lesson here is that you’ll at some point be faced with sex that’s outside of your comfort zone. Embrace it. I know I did when I hired those three hookers and they brought that chimp with them. I’m not saying that you should embrace having your balls stomped (unless that’s your thing), but some fetish outfits, flogging, spankings, or whatever never hurt anyone – much.

My leathers fit tight around me;
My whip is always beside me.
You want the same thing every day,
I’ll teach you love a different way.
You’ll learn to love me and my sweet pain.

No.7 “Who Wants To Be Lonely”

One-Night Stands Are Normal

Have you ever seen a hot girl standing off to the side in a bar looking shy, self-conscious, lonely, and a mix of cute and sexy? Well, man, what are you waiting for? Go get you some. There’s no time like the present… and there’s no reason to wait “for something called love.” Unless she’s psycho, a girl like this will know what the deal is, and neither one of you should feel bad about that walk of shame the next morning.

Ooh, you look good tonight,
Standing there in your own world.
Baby, talk to me with your eyes,
Before the moment dies.
I want to say to you,
Time is just passing us by;
You keep waiting for something called love.
Wake up in the middle of the night,
Nobody’s gonna make it alright.

No.6 “Mr. Speed”

Quickies Are Good Things

Mr. Speed by KISS on Grooveshark
Sometimes a quickie is the most satisfying type of sex there is, for both men and women. Still, it’s often men who can take advantage of and enjoy this extracurricular activity most. Besides, I hear a lot of guys can only last long enough for a quickie anyway. Using the word “master,” one could interpret “Mr. Speed” as misogynistic, as could many of KISS’ songs, but I don’t think “master” is self-referential. I think it’s about a girl looking for a little strange and Paul Stanley is offering his wares, but nothing more and nothing less.

You need lovin’, you’re lookin’ out for new romances.
Yeah, it’s true, you know you’ve got to take your chances.
When I laugh, well baby don’t you know you can cry,
‘Cause you ain’t enough lady,
to keep the master satisfied, yeah.
Well, you know, I got the kind of lovin’ that you need;
The kind of lovin’ that you need.
I’m so fast, that’s why the ladies call me Mr. Speed

No.5 ”Dance All Over Your Face”

Facials Are a Form of Revenge

Dance All Over Your Face by KISS on Grooveshark
As with entry No. 4, here’s another track from Lick It Up that’s about “finish-play,” but with decidedly different motives. KISS was never much to have mean-spirited or spiteful lyrics, but “Dance all over Your Face” is clearly about getting some kind of sexual revenge. I believe that the facial of vengeance was a parting gift and that the man didn’t let on that he knew about his girl’s infidelity until the very end. That’s certainly got to be one of the harshest ways to break up with a girl. I just wish I’d have thought of it in one particular case.

Hey baby, can you pass this quiz?
Well, just put your money where your mouth is.
You’re as sharp as a slap from a lover’s hand;
Hey baby, baby, baby, this is all I can stand.
You played your hand, and now you lose.
Well listen, bitch, I’ve got news.
Yes, I saw you with another man,
And you put me in disgrace, so…


Dance, dance all over your face.
I’m gonna dance all over your face.

No.4 “Lick It Up”

Blowjobs Are Good for Women

When Paul Stanley penned “Lick It Up” with Vinnie Vincent back in the early ‘80s, you know it wasn’t about the makeup coming off, right? The disguise that this song is about enjoying life, tasting life, and pursuing your life’s dreams is thin at best. It’s really about every man’s favorite form of foreplay, or “finish-play.” And come on, ladies, it’s full of protein.

Don’t wanna wait till you know me better.
Let’s just be glad for the time together.
Life’s such a treat and it’s time you taste it.
There ain’t a reason on Earth to waste it.
It ain’t a crime to be good to yourself.

What are the top 3 things about sex you could learn from KISS, find out next…

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