Gears Of War 3 Review – Or: Well-Oiled Cog Or Squeaky Wheel?

Gears Of War is the Saving Private Ryan of the industry. It’s a washed-out, senses-shattering war movie in video game form, complete with all the necessary clichés that entail.

Epic Games’ celebrated series comes to a close with the recently released Gears Of War 3. Does the saga end on a high note with Marcus Fenix and Co. walking off into the sunset, heading toward further adventures down the line? Or is this Gear the runt of the assembly line, all bumps and odd corners and in serious need of oiling?

Gears Of War is the franchise that made war-time bromance a main storytelling point and introduced cries of “Chainsaw, chainsaw, chainsaw, fucking chainsaw!” to the gamer lexicon. Speaking of which, I’d like to congratulate Epic Games on finally finishing the assassination job that World Of Warcraft started long ago on my ear canals. Years of guild raids spent listening to the bitchy cries of prepubescent little snots rolled the ball halfway up the hill and I’ll be damned if the preteen bastards playing Gears Of War 3 online didn’t finally push that sucker all the way over the top. I’m not as young as I used to be, damn it! My ear canals are as brittle as the rest of me!

Gears of War 3 screenshot
Actual file photo of TheMatt.

In any case, here is Yell! Magazine’s review of Gears Of War 3, available exclusively for Xbox 360. Accordingly, the 360 version was used for review purposes, along with a decent pair of ear muffs and a phone book opened to the murder-for-hire section. What? I only put out hits on the really screechy kids or the ones that overuse the damn chainsaw like they get a free blowjob with each kill.

Gears of War 3 screenshot
Fuck you, *wazzupbitches666*!!!

Oh, and the heavy mouth breathers. Can’t stand those. Like I wanna hear your porno movie mouth noises when I’m getting my game on…

The Story

Capping off a trilogy is tricky business. There’s an undeniable desire to sprint to the finish. Gears Of War feels a bit like this, with a pretty straightforward story peppered here and there with admittedly awesome set pieces. While some could argue that storytelling has never been Gears of Wars’ strong suit, that the series relies more on gameplay than long diatribes on the horrors of war, the third entry features the franchise’s usual wartime melodrama. Soldiers die, civilians get butchered, and people will stop to ponder the philosophical implications of the ashen remains of innocents burned in nuclear fire. It’s business as usual for this series.

While I’m admittedly jaded from viewing a ton of war movies growing up, watching Gears Of War recycle the same clichés over and over again is starting to wear thin. Luckily, as with previous titles in the series, it’s the characters and their respective voice actors that end up making the game’s plot worthwhile.

Gears of War 3 screenshot
The Dirty Half-Dozen

As usual, main character Marcus Fenix makes for a gruff but strangely admirable hero. Sidekick Dominic is still along for the ride and his eventual fate should come as no surprise to veteran players since the character as been heading down this path since Gears Of War 2. Story wise, Gears of War 3 does everything the final chapter in a series should: The combined threat of the Lambent and Locust are defeated, long-running characters get proper sendoffs, subplots are tied up nicely and there’s a nicely emotional feel to the game’s final scenes that, while hinting at further games down the line, still allows for the franchise to rest in peace knowing full well it did its job and did it well.

Read about the Gears of War 3 gameplay, presentation, and verdict after the jump…

Gears of War 3 Box Art Large
Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):
Published by:
Microsoft Studios
Developed by:
Epic Games
Year Released:
20 September 2011
Also Available On:
Xbox 360, PC
Third-Person Shooter
Official URL:
Gears of War 3
Pages: 1 2

More Articles Like This

Have Your Say Leave A Comment