It’s time for a cavalcade of manly, burly men doing manly things to other somewhat less manly, easily stomped men. Nasal cavities will be pulverized, blood will flow like wine and bones will be crushed to a fine, white, powdery substance. Possibly similar to the other, slightly illegal powdery substance I indulged in before sitting down to write this. Feel free to poke me with a sharpened pool cue if midway through this article I suddenly digress into a vivid recollection of my days as a grunt humping the boonies in Nam, hunting down Vietcong to the mollifying tones of The Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black.”
Apparently, my last top 10 list was a hit, so I’m under strict orders not to leave the house until I come up with another one. The Overlords Who Shall Be Obeyed are parked on my lawn with shotguns and cattle prods and they’re holding all six of my cats hostage. The Evil Tormenting Bosses also took my drugs away. So I’m all better now. I haven’t tried to eat my spleen in a whole five minutes.
What’s required here is some mindless violence. Nine out of 10 imaginary doctors claim that a heaping dose of brutal, senseless violence is the cure for what ails me. So writing up Yell! Magazine’s Top 10 List Of Hollywood Cage Fights should be just enough to suck out the remaining grams of medicinal cocaine floating inside my bloodstream. Of course, a hooker could do the same, but those shotgun-wielding bastards keep stopping my mail-order ladies of the evening at the door. The agency already charged my credit card, you jerks.
In any case, here’s the top 10 list of Hollywood cage fights. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I have some NyQuil in my medicine cabinet. Better than most hardcore drugs, any day of the week.
No.10 Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
Might as well start with the one everybody knows. While still the weakest of the Mad Max post-apocalyptic trilogy, the movie remains popular due to its titular globe of doom: The Thunderdome! Two men enter, one man leaves! This overturned salad bowl features weapons hanging on the walls and two sets of elastic bands for the competitors to get their bungee on. Plus, it’s been a featured attraction at several Burning Man festivals. Yep, there’s an actual, real-life Thunderdome.
How about we focus on creating lightsabers instead, uh guys?
In this corner: The drifter of the plains, he-of-the-black-leather-ensemble, he’s beholden to no man and follows his own creed, he’s been known to sport freaky beards and spew racial slurs when inebriated… MAD “Mel Gibson” MAX!
In the opposite corner: One half of the dynamic Master Blaster duo, he’s the brawn not the brains of the operation, sporting really sensitive ears, it’s… BLASTER!
The madman of the desert takes it! A piercing whistle attack to his opponent’s fragile ear canals wins it for Max! I’ll have to check with the judges to see if sonic weaponry is allowed inside The Thunderdome. What’s this? Auntie Entity claims foul play on the part of the drifter, he’ll have to… spin the wheel! And hook up with some feral, annoying kids that completely neutered the franchise for some strange reason. A fate worse than death, folks!
No.9 Cradle 2 The Grave
Not exactly a standout entry in Jet Li’s action movie credentials, Cradle 2 To The Grave was the second try in an ill-fated attempt to pair up the martial-arts master with American rappers, following Romeo Must Die. As expected by everybody except certain studio heads, the results are nothing short of abysmal. That being said, it does feature one exceptional action sequence, showcasing Li’s character taking on several of the most popular MMA fighters in an underground cage match.
In this corner: The Boeing, the G6, the Concord, a plane in name and in fighting speed, it’s… Jet Li! Actually named Su in the movie, but when your name is Jet that’s pretty much the fight name you’re going to be sticking with. Su is something you do after you get your ass kicked, as in “…your pants off!”
In the opposite corner: Some of the greatest MMA fighters in the history of the sport have gathered for this contest and they’re all hungry for a little Chinese… food. Please welcome: Tito Ortiz, Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell, and Hector Echavarria!
100 bucks on the midget!
It’s a close one, folks! Li manages to get one leg off the ground for a kick before getting trampled. Each UFC fighter grabs a limb while the midget starts chewing on Li’s crotch. Looks like the referee is calling it… THE MIDGET WINS! Whoohoo! 100-to-1 odds on that one. Where’s my damn Yellow Pages? I’m ordering myself up another hooker. Hello? Lonely Geeks Need Love Too Inc.? Yeah, Hi! Do you have any really, really stealthy hookers?
No.8 King of The Kickboxers
Oh look, it’s the ghost of top 10 lists past. As some of you with attention spans longer than that of your average goldfish may recall, King Of The Kickboxers topped Yell! Magazine’s list of B-Movies That Kick Ass a while ago. Well, this Loren Avendon picture from 1990 apparently isn’t done shoving its weight around. Featuring a Thunderdome-style bamboo cage with multiple platforms and the always entertaining moat filled with sharpened stakes, this is one arena that just might kill you before your opponent ever lays a hand on you.
In this corner: He looks just like Emilio Estevez but with 138% more smugness, he’s embarked on Quest To Avenge My Dead Brother #2,345, he completely mastered the exotic martial art of Muay Thai in just one short montage set to music, it’s… Jake Donahue!
In the opposite corner: He’s big, he’s black, he’s so manly he’s not afraid to sport a Padawan braid with a feather in it, he wants to sell you some Tae Bo tapes, it’s… KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! (That’s 14 A’s. One N.)
A truly epic game of rock, paper, scissors is about to happen here.
Khan seems to be doing well here, folks. He’s clearly got the upper hand… OH, A SUDDEN REVERSAL! Khan as tapped out and left the field of battle, on his way to a financially brighter future as purveyor of exercise videos to overweight housewives. Donahue wins this one, but it’s hard to tell who the victor truly is in this case.
No.7 Walker, Texas Ranger
How many roundhouse kicks can one man perform before people get tired of him? Apparently 10 years and 202 episodes worth. Chuck Norris, along with his resplendent beard, spent 10 seasons catching bad guys on Walker, Texas Ranger. One sublime episode managed to throw our fearless ranger into a cage match with none other than Macho Man Randy Savage himself. Ooooooh, yeaaaaaah! Can Walker, Texas Ranger roundhouse kick his way out of this one? Tune in. Same Ranger time, same Ranger channel.
In this corner: He once won American Idol using only sign language, he once raced light and is still waiting for it to catch up, he once turned toast into bread and cut a hot knife with butter, it’s… CHUCK NORRIS!
In the opposite corner: He’s the master of the flying elbow drop, he wants you to snap into a Slim Jim, His Royal Highness The Macho King, it’s… MACHO MAN!
Chuck Norris is disappointed you had to ask. Your lack of faith is disturbing.
The prison boxing sub-genre is a haven for cage fight enthusiasts. How a prison can afford to build a gigantic steel cage for two convicts to duke it out in is a mystery, what with the penal system always complaining it needs more money. Maybe if they stopped spending it on underground gladiatorial matches between inmates, they could afford some new toothbrushes.
Admittedly, $1,000 Versace robes did seem a bit much.
Or has Hollywood been lying to me again? You mean a prison boxing match between reigning champ Wesley Snipes and disgraced Mike Tyson stand-in Ving Rhames couldn’t happen in real life? Damn you, real life. Damn you to hell. Why must you continually burst my violence-filled joy bubbles?
In this corner: He’s the inside champ, the basher, the crusher, the alleged tax-evader, it’s… MONROE HUTCHEN!
In the opposite corner: He’s the outside champ, the bruiser, the masher, the rapist who once got raped by Zed, it’s… GEORGE “THE ICEMAN” CHAMBERS!
Hutchen wins it by a mile! The crowd goes wild. Wait, what’s this? Monroe’s lawyers are taking all the prize money away. Something about the IRS and some unpaid taxes. Uh-oh, I sense some additional prison time coming on.