Usually, celebrities maintain a certain distance from their social media pages. They’ll tweet or post things, but when it comes to actually responding to people, they shy away from it. This goes double for responding to assholes, the group that makes up at least half of every celebrity’s fan base. And why should they respond? First of all, they have better things to do, and secondly, the only real way that you can respond to “u fukin suck” is with a variation of “no, U suck!”
I don’t know if Rob Zombie runs his own Facebook page, but if it is him (And I hope it is. I value the mental image of Zombie’s dreadlocks falling on either side of the keyboard as he says aloud, “Oh, for Christ’s sake. Really?” way too much for it not to be him.), he is fed up with people making the most inane comments on the things he posts, and is willing to let his emotions be known in the most public space in the universe: Facebook. For example:
No.7 People who hate things
Here, Rob confronts the most widely seen form of Internet hatred: people who hate things, yet can’t help from participating in those things. I don’t know when a majority of the Iinternet decided “We should do the things that make us most unhappy!” but this guy has taken it upon himself to visit the Facebook page and declare Rob Zombie a “talentless douchebag,” which is like going to a Burger King solely to insult the employees about the food.
No.6 Best Buy???
There are about three places in the entire world left to buy physical media, and two of those places are used DVD stands in a Prestonsburg, Kentucky, flea market. This guy is insulted that rocker Rob Zombie would ever lower himself enough to visit corporate America’s shining bastion of technological wizardry, BEST BUY. I honestly don’t know what he expected. Is BEST BUY not dirty or grungy enough for Rob Zombie to sell his merchandise at? Does he wake up in cold sweats every night because Rob Zombie opens his wallet and rats don’t fall out?
No.5 Don’t buy things you already have!
Here, a man attempts to save the world from musicians by telling people, “Don’t buy things you already have!” It’s a genius, revolutionary tactic, an option that has never been explored before. For years, every time a CD from a band came out, people bought it without question, even if it had songs from earlier CDs on it. Why? People are cattle with brains that can’t handle logical reasoning. People have never flipped a CD over to read the track list on the back of it. Not even once. As we speak, a man is being crushed to death by all of his Michael Jackson CDs, compilations and tribute albums. And with his last breath, he’ll say, “Why didn’t I listen to Greg on Rob Zombie’s Facebook page….?”
Rob responds accordingly.
No.4 Shitting Yourself
I know that “shitting yourself” is the way that most people describe their high level of excitement nowadays, because nothing says anticipation like some pants full of poo. But I’d like to thank Rob for being pragmatic here, and seeing the real life ramifications of shitting yourself over an It remake. “And Pennywise is going to be played by David Tennant?!? I just can’t hold it in! PFFFBBBBBBBBTTTTTT (splat).”
No.3 It’s not like the old stuff
I know what Arron was going for here, but it’s bad to approach Zombie with anything close to the “It’s not like the old stuff” argument after his experience with the critics of Halloween, where many hoped that he would simply deliver a shot for shot remake of the classic. Better luck next time.
No.2 Metal vs. “Pop Rock Bullshit”
As all metal fans know, the most metal thing you can do is complain about something not being metal enough. Even though I’ve never really classified Zombie’s music as “metal,” more like “screaming Frankenstein monster being slowly crushed by a flaming Sheri Moon Zombie-shaped Munsters car” music.
No.1 Sucking Balls
And finally, my favorite response, in which Rob Zombie goes with the most effective, albeit the most juvenile, response. You talk about something sucking balls? You must suck balls. It’s not classy, but whatever. It’s Rob Zombie. If I wanted class, I’d go to Eli Roth’s Twitter.