5 Idiotic Things Not To Do At A Heavy Metal Festival: Mildly Inspired By Amnesia Rockfest

cowboy hat at heavy metal festival

As you know, we spend last weekend at the Amnesia Rockfest 2014, in Montebello, Quebec. Overall it was an amazing experience with, from what we saw, very few incidents of miscreant behavior. However, when 200,000 people gather for a weekend of hard music, there’s always going to be a few bad apples (aka, dickheads). Don’t be a dickhead. If you need some guidance on how not to be a festival jerk, read our top 5 idiotic things not to do at a heavy metal festival.

These are pretty obvious things that require the minimum of common sense, but we may need a reminder every now and then. If you’re a regular fest goer, you’re probably aware that you shouldn’t fight or tramble a fellow pit resident.

Anyway, on with the show:

No.5 Get Drunk

drunk at a heavy metal festival
Drinking and smoking pot go hand in hand with heavy metal fests, and, as a matter of fact, any music fest. So, go ahead, have a few cold ones, roll a fat one, no one really cares. That is, no one cares until you become an obnoxious pain in the ass and pass out, forcing someone to take care of your ass. So, unless you want to be the guy with chunky puke down the front of your shirt, passed out against a porta potty, or the guy pressed up against the barricade in front of the stage, or even the guy who can hardly walk through the fest grounds, don’t get drunk. Besides, how can you really enjoy the music when you’re preoccupied with trying not to look too hammered or when you can’t hear anything beyond the spinning of your head. And, those gravity blasts are hell on the gag reflex.

No.4 Neglect Hydration

ozzy water spray
Heavy metal festivals usually take place outdoors, in the sun and heat. You’re going to get thirsty, and you should quench that thirst. An ice-cold beer is going to feel real good, but don’t forget to drink water. Alcohol and sun, despite popular belief, don’t really go well together. They’re kind of like oil and water, or a straight girl trying to get with a gay dude. A good rule of thumb is to drink one water for every alcoholic beverage you consume, and also to be constantly sipping on a water bottle. You just don’t want to get dehydrated, which will happen faster than a pimp can say, “Where’s my money?” when you’re standing in a crowd, moshing, drinking alcohol, and exposed to constant sun and heat.

No.3 Get Sunburned

sunburned at heavy metal festWhile you’re taking care of your hydration because of the sun and heat, make sure you take care of your skin. Whether you know it or not, whether there are clouds or not, UV rays are wrecking havoc on your poor skin. I don’t care too much about how pretty you are, but don’t be one of those idiots with skin that looks like cooked lobster. You’ve seen the guys who’ve gotten burned and then taken off their tank tops to expose the pale skin that was concealed under it — you look like a moron who can’t function without mommy.

Point is, a bad sunburn will hurt, and, well, could lead to skin cancer. You’re hardcore, but not that hardcore.

No.2 Wear A Cowboy Hat

cowboy hat at heavy metal fest
Your 10-fucking-gallon Stetson is only cool if you’re at a country music fest or a damn rodeo. Sure, some country boys like their metal, but a heavy metal fest is no place for your tucked-in plaid, cowboy hat, or boots. Also, if you stand in the crowd to watch the show, your fucking hat will block the view of at least three people behind you. If you don’t get your ass kicked, count your lucky stars. If you absolutely must show Motley Crue your country pride, at least take off your damn hat while watching the show.

No.1 Piss where People Walk

don't pee at a music fest
If you can’t hold it as you wait to use a porta potty, use that guy’s Stetson for a toilet. But, whatever you do, don’t piss where people have to walk. It’s disgusting, you farm animal. If you do this, I hope a porta potty upends on your ass for eternity in hell. Go find a tree or some other discreet place, but don’t piss through a security fence or beside a porta potty where people are bound to walk. People will step in your waste and then have to go home, bringing your stink in their house. Maybe people who are caught doing this should have a GPS shoved up their urethra so that we can find their home, enter their living room, and piss all over their carpet. Sound good?

Rock Hard \m/

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