2-Headed Shark Attack (2012) Review: Two Heads Are Better Than Jaws

Speaking of bad acting, it felt like Charlie O’Connell put down the rat and pigeon he was sewing together, walked away from his bucket of fish heads, and left his attic only long enough to film this movie. +1,000 Internets for any of you who get that reference. I can only imagine what family Christmases must be like in the O’Connell house. Allow me to recreate for you the scenario playing out in my head right now:

Mama O’Connell: Oh, my boys, how I’ve missed you! Tell me, what have you two been up to?

Well, Mama, as you well know, since I began acting at the age of 11, I’ve starred in nearly 25 movies, including the critically acclaimed Stand By Me, as well as numerous TV shows. Most recently though, I’ve been filming a made-for-TV movie entitled Mockingbird Lane, in which I play Herman Munster.

Mama O’Connell:
Oh, Jerry, I’m so proud of you. Give Mama a big kiss. I love you, my Jerry. What have you been doing, Charlie?

Charlie: Uhh… I was in 2-Headed Shark Attack this year, Mama.

Mama O’Connell: *Scowls* You, go sit at the kids table.

Charlie: But, Mama, I-

Mama O’Connell: I SAID KIDS TABLE!

End, Scene.

I know right? I should totally be writing screenplays.

Two Headed Shark Attack

Needless to say, Charlie O’Connell’s acting was so bad that it almost made Carmen Electra playing a doctor believable. Almost. At one point, he scratches his leg on a dock, and honestly, I’ve cut myself worse shaving, but he’s in so much pain, he needs help to walk and moans and groans for nearly 20 minutes of screen time. He could have been replaced by a monkey in a fez and it would have produced better results.

The Verdict: [rating:5]

If there were enough skulls, I would give this movie 87 of them. It really was one of the best B-movies I’ve ever seen. However, since I’m limited to five skulls, that’s what this movie gets, and I’ll break down my reasoning for you. The first skull is for Carmen Electra, because even though we don’t see her boobies, she’s a total babe and a B-movie staple. The second star is for the absolute awesomeness that is the 2-Headed Shark. Sharky is just so fantabulous that I kind of want to be his best friend. We could go see movies together, and laugh at Charlie O’Connell sitting at the kids’ table at Christmas, and I’d buy only the best fish for him to eat. It’d be heaven. The third star is obviously for the threesome, and how easily the girls are coerced into it. Brooke Hogan initially brings us down half a star because she looks like a tanned, blonde carp stuck on Hulk Hogan’s body, but then, she brings us up a star-and-a-half, because she’s just so damned handy! Ever need a generator fixed? Call Brooke! My final star is for something that I can’t reveal because it would be a total spoiler, but I promise, if you watch the movie, you’ll understand! As a whole, this flick is complete perfection. Even the bad things I have to say about it, are what make it a classic work of cinematic art.


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