News has spread like wildfire about the-like cannibalism that’s been plaguing the United States and Canada lately.
How to Survive aAttack – The Outbreak
It all kicked off in Miami, Florida, on Saturday, May 26th, when Rudy Eugene was found, naked, chewing on another man’s face. It’s reported that it took nearly 20 minutes to take down Eugene from the start of his cannibalistic onslaught. When the police first ordered the would-be zombie to stop, Eugene allegedly turned toward the officers, growled, and simply went back to his all-you-can-eat homeless-man buffet. According to the Herald Sun, “’He had his face eaten down to his goatee. The forehead was just bone. No nose, no mouth,’ said Sgt Armando Aguilar, president of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police.” Mmm, yummy!
Next, we heard of Luka Rocco Magnotta, a Montreal, Quebec, resident, who chopped up a 33-year-old university student, Lin Jun, sent body parts to both the Conservative and Liberal Party of Canada Head Quarters, and allegedly raped the corpse and ate his flesh. Magnotta was arrested this morning (June 4th) in Germany.
Following this, we have Kenyan-born Alexander Kinyua, who confessed last week to killing Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie, in their Maryland home, and then eating his heart and parts of his brain. Again with the chopping, police reportedly found his severed head and hands in their home, with the rest of his remains found in a trash container near a church.
Not to be outdone by mere cannibalism, 43-year-old New Jersey resident, Wayne Carter, had police kicking in his door after officials received reports that he had locked himself inside with a knife and was threatening to harm himself. Pepper spray was used in an attempt to calm Carter, but it only seemed to piss him off more. He began to stab himself in the stomach, neck and face, before throwing bits of his flesh and intestines at on-scene officers.
All of this, coupled with a bizarre Zombie Apocalypse blog post – later retracted and replaced with a confusing comic – by the Centers for Disease Control leads me to believe that we are, in fact, in the midst of our very own zombie apocalypse. I know right? Yay! Yes, yes, I know it’s five years too early, but zombie survivors must be prepared for anything! And, do you know how to survive a zombie attack? Fear not, dear readers, for I am here to save the day. I’ve compiled a list must-haves and must-dos to survive the coming undead pandemic, and I’ve very thoughtfully decided to share it with you. There’s safety in numbers, after all, right? Besides, the more survivors there are, the less likely I am to have my cranium gnawed on.
How to Survive a Zombie Attack – The Tips
If Zombieland taught us anything, it’s that cardio is key, so if you haven’t started training yet, you’re probably shit out of luck. But no worries, you’ll serve as distractions for those of us who’ve been training all our lives for this and know how to survive a zombie attack. Thanks!
No.8 Annie, get your gun!
This rule should be self-explanatory, but I’m rarely a woman of few words, so I’ll explain anyway. Always have a gun. Always. Knives and swords and crossbows are good too, yes, but knifes and swords are both close-combat weapons, and crossbows take time to reload and perfect aim to meet their mark. I don’t care how slowly these shamble; a moving target is still a moving target.
No.7 Stock up
You never know when you’ll be able to make a food-run during a zombie apocalypse, so it’s best to stock up on whatever food you can. This includes a gallon of water, per person, per day, plus all the non-perishables you can carry. If you have to put saddle bags on the dog, put saddle bags on the damn dog!
Speaking of saddle bags, this brings us to our next item on the list:
Knowing how to survive a zombie attack means knowing where to get gas-powered vehicles. Yes, it’s more dangerous if you happen to run out of gas at an inopportune time, but, let’s not forget what happened to the horse in The Walking Dead. Live animals do not fare well with zombies; they tend to be either too skittish, or too curious. Either way, they’re dead, and if you’re with them, you probably won’t be coming out of it the same way you went in. Be warned. That’s not to say that you should leave your fur-babies at home when you make your escape, just make sure you can carry them, if the going gets rough. A 150-pound Rottweiler may sound ideal, but when he’s cowering with his stub between his legs, are you going to be able to pick him up and jog with him? That’s why cats are better, but I digress. Oh, and if Fido has to be sacrificed to the coming hoards, make sure you relieve him of his saddle bags first.
There are five more tips on how to survive a zombie attack after the jump…