There’s a growing segment of the population that refuses to bend to the social convention of Valentine’s Day. It’s one thing for toddlers and teens to share candies and chocolate, and to spread “love” around, but for adults, it’s downright ridiculous. It’s a Hallmark holiday that’s celebrated with inflated prices. It’s cheesy and retarded.
However, it does provide an opportunity to get back at someone who has broken your pathetic little heart. We’re going to call this Black Hearts Day, and we’re about to get disgusting with our venture into revenge.
Note: Yell! Magazine won’t be held responsible for any repercussions you may face from deploying any of our Black Hearts Day tips. We offer these tips as a joke, to make you laugh, because only a sick bastard would laugh at what we’re about to suggest.
No.5 Dedicate an Anti-Love Song
If you’re of the sort that still listens to the radio, you might take this opportunity to call in to request a dedication. Where most dedications are made to proclaim love or wish someone a happy birthday, you should make a Black Hearts Day dedication. You can name the person or just drop identifying hints at who he/she is, and you might want to explain why your ex is such a horrible person. We suggest a song like Pantera’s “This Love” or KISS’ “Save Your Love.”
No.4 Stink Palm
Yes, I’m lifting this tip from Mallrats. When Jason Lee’s Brodie stink palmed Michael Rooker’s Jared, this act instantly went into a “must do to someone I loathe” category. (Note that Michael Rooker currently plays another asshole on The Walking Dead. Talk about type casting.) If you’re unfamiliar with what Stink Palming is, it’s really quite a simple task. Basically stick your hand down the back of your pants, rub it around in the crack of your ass, and then shake someone’s hand. Their hand will stink for days.
No.3 Give Your Ex A Kiss
Yes, but not your ordinary kiss. We suggest you give oral pleasure to your current significant other (if you don’t have one, I can recommend a hooker) and make it a purpose not to wash up. Also, make it a purpose to come face to face with your ex. Be nice. Be civil. Give him or her a kiss – even if it’s just on the cheek. The satisfaction of knowing he or she is walking around with that on his or her face will be unmatched.
No.2 Send Sex Toys
You know, you can either send this package of fun to your ex’ office, school, or at home, where they can open it in private. What are you sending exactly? Try sending a dildo or some lube (depending on the sex of your ex). Attach a note saying, “Because no one wants you.”
Ouch, right?
No1. Send Black Roses
This one isn’t much different than entry No. 2. However, send these to your ex’ work or school – because this kind of humiliation is best suited for the public. Besides, your ex broke your heart and he/she deserves it. Again, attach a note that says, “Just like your heart.” This way you can avoid the accusation that you’re wishing your ex were dead – that’s just inhuman. And saying that someone’s heart is black ties in very nicely with the idea of Black Hearts Day.
Again, we offer these tips in jest only. You could spread diseases with some of these ideas and we’d never condone bullying. Keep these tips locked up safe in the revenge-fantasy section of your brain.
Rock Hard \m/
