Yell! Magazine hopes that you’re having a wonderful Holiday Season, full of movies about people having very poor, violent seasons in general. Because you’ve been such kickass fans, we’ve decided to compile a list of movies for you, using the ranking system found in a song that your grandparents turn off the radio for, “The Twelve Days Of Christmas.” We hope you watch them all, straight through, with no breaks. Because, honestly, your wife and kids can fend for themselves for a week.
On the first day of Christmas, Yell! Magazine gave to you…
Twelve Slashers Slashing
Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter
Rigor mortis is given its most scientific representation ever when an angry fat girl is stabbed and she squeezes the banana she was eating so hard that it breaks in half. Crispin Glover attempts to become less awful at sex. The mom is hot.
Black Christmas
Christmas and telephones are ruined forever.
The Hills Have Eyes
Dogs are proven to be natural heroes as they tear out mutant throats. Parents are proven to be natural targets. Teens are proven to be unnaturally good at rigging stuff to burn and explode.
My Bloody Valentine
A group of teens spend their time drinking and mining and dying. Someone gets a box of chocolates with a heart inside. They find this odd and are disappointed by it.
Prom Night
Prom night is a disaster. And now for the film’s description: Prom Night is a disaster.
The Slumber Party Massacre
Girls hang out in panties as a jacket-wearing guy drills them with a drill that’s actually a drill and not a visual metaphor for a penis and that last “not” is an untruth.
Hatchet 2
Victor Crowley has his home disturbed for the second time in a few days and he takes it very personally. Kills two people with a giant chainsaw and wrestles with the guy who played Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw 3. Is getting curb stomped on the edge of a table considered a TKO?
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
The best film in a series that has about three best films in it. Freddy rips out a kid’s veins and turns him into a puppet. The other kids turn into X-Men and, for the most part, lose their respective one-on-one fights.
Halloween 2
John Carpenter said that he was drunk when he wrote this film. Drinking is great.
Hannibal
Any of the realism in Silence of the Lambs is abandoned when Commissioner Gordon attempts to feed Lector to some giant pigs. He gets eaten instead. Gotham loses the hero it needs.
Asylum Blackout
Great first half until the filmmakers decided to wonder if the massacre actually happened or not. Guy gets his nose bitten off and is then burned to death. Asylum Cook and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
The Devil’s Rejects
Michael Berryman claims that he isn’t no chicken fucker. If you aren’t sold by now, you won’t be.
