No.5 Jenna Jameson, Zombie Strippers (2008)
Jenna Jameson is known primarily for being super hot, and having sex in front of people. Her best way to break into acting would be to play someone who is super hot and has sex, possibly even in front of people. One of the people who made Zombie Strippers had the exact same eureka moment that I just explained, and put her in a movie playing, as the title subtly suggests, astripper. Now, I’m not saying that you could judge a movie based on how smoking hot of a zombie the lead actress makes, but you definitely should. And with that criteria, Zombie Strippers wins every award ever. Because when Kat, the stripper she plays, kills you, you’re totally going to die with a boner.
No.4 Nazi Zombie Leader, Dead Snow (2009)
I didn’t know that Final Draft, the screenwriting software, had a setting for “Auto-Complete Coolest Idea Ever,” but it proved me ignorant when a movie with Naziwas made. Reviews on the film as a whole are decidedly mixed, with people either liking the movie or being completely wrong. There are so many cool moments in this film that it’s hard to pick out just one. I’ll just say that the entire film is a cool moment, and let you watch it yourselves.
No.3 Schweik, The Beyond (1981)
Lucio Fulci was born to make awesome zombie films. Or, in the case of The Beyond, awesome films that have zombies in them. Schweik doesn’t do a lot of the shuffling movement that you’d expect from a zombie of his caliber, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t super powerful. He mind controls a dog to tear out its owner’s throat, tells a horde of tarantulas to eat off the most important parts of a person’s face (all the parts), and he traps people in a hell-like nether realm. Pretty decent, I’d say, for a guy who spends most of the film completely motionless. I guess the old adage is true: when a man raves about evil waiting to be unleashed, you shouldn’t torture him to death.
No.2 Bub, Day Of The Dead (1985)
To say “it’s a zombie that shoots a gun” would be sufficient in most third-world countries, but here on the Internet, a more formal explanation of why he’s so great is necessary. Day Of The Dead is my favorite of Romero’s zombie films, for its ridiculous characters, black humor and dark atmosphere. Bub is a zombie that has been captured and is being tested, a move that the military, especially a certain Captain Rhodes, regrets when Bub discovers a gun and starts to pump bullets into things/humans. Bub is probably the most well-known of all Romero’s zombies, for his iconic, slack-jawed look, and his tendency to stand up to the army in ways that hadn’t been seen since the Vietnam war.
No.1 Zombie Who Fights Shark, Zombie 2 (1979)
He might not have a name, and he might not be in the film for any long length of time, but this zombie fights a fucking shark. If you’ve never even seen a movie before, you know about this iconic scene. It takes a lot of balls for a regular person to say “I’m going to bite a shark, one of the most vicious animals on the planet, because I’m a human and can,” but it takes even more balls to moan “I’m a zombie and I’m falling apart… and there’s a shark and I’m going to kill it.” I’m going to go ahead and give Ramon Bravo, the man who played this zombie, an honorary Oscar, which counts just as much as a real Oscar. He wins the award for “Best Zombie Who Fights A Shark.”
(Break for applause)
God bless you, you shark fighting champion. You have courage that I’ll never know.