After School Massacre (2014) Review: This Gets An F-



Directed by Jared Masters Written by Jared Masters
Starring Nikole Howell, Mindy Robinson, Yasmine Soofi

73 mins - Horror | Comedy - Release date: 10 January 2014 (Shockfest Film Festival)

There are bad movies that are good, there are good movies that are bad, and there are bad movies that are just plain bad — After School Massacre falls into the latter. And that’s just really unfortunate because the bones of director Jared Masters’ screenplay had so much potential.

Those bones have to do with a high school teacher who creeps around on the Internet engaging in inappropriate behavior with his female students. When he’s found out and subsequently fired, he goes on a murderous rampage that culminates at one of the famous slumber parties his students have. That sounds awesome and filled with potential, right?

But my hopes for this movie were quickly snuffed out. The acting is not very good, the dialog and actions of the cast are unnatural and unbelievable, and it looks like it was shot with a $200 video camera from Best Buy. And as with any Brain Damage film, the music score was too loud while lines were being delivered, making it near impossible to hear what the actors were saying… not that it mattered, but still.

The movie didn’t even deliver very much gore, which is a huge disappointment for a movie that has “massacre” in its title. Adding insult to injury, despite the promise of the box art there isn’t much T&A to go around. Sure, everyone walks around in the undies, acting like it’s their first day on planet Earth (which must explain why they look like high school students in their 30s), but nope, nothing more than a glimpse of a nipple or two.

Sadly, After School Massacre’s saving grace, if you can call it that, is Andrew Phillips and his horny, wisecracking character Luke Dalton. Andrew is the only actor who seems like he was in on the joke that is this movie, and he does deliver a few lines worth a chuckle.

The Verdict:

After School Massacre is one of those films you rent for the title (which must be why they changed its name from Teacher’s Day, or because it was an “after school” extra credit project) and for the sexy box cover. But don’t be fooled! Do not pick this movie up! Keep walking. Pretend you never saw it sitting there, pleading with you to “rent me, rent me, rent meeeee” (insert Vincent Price’s voice from The Fly). I’m giving this movie zero skulls because I don’t want to think of a reason to give it one.

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