Yell! Magazine’s The Twelve Days Of Horror Christmas

Cujo_the_St._Bernard

Eleven Beasts Attacking

Jaws 2

Shark eats teens and a helicopter. Young love is extinguished about four times. Shark eats electric cable. Power to Amity Island is extinguished once.

Alligator

Alligator eats people in Chicago sewers. First and last appearance of Colonel Brock, the coolest guy alive (played by Henry Silva).

Alligator 2: The Mutation

Some guy says, “My brother is twice as fast.” Brother turns out to be not that at all when an alligator eats him. Living brother then changes his statement to, “My brother wasn’t twice as fast. Just regular, the still-not-good-enough kind of fast.”

King Kong ‘76

Charles Grodin poses awkwardly and then makes a huge deal about Kong wanting to rape Jessica Lange. It’s a tense, bizarre scene. Kong hates snakes.

Orca

Killer whale becomes sick of people and decides to gather the troops and kill them. The troops are himself.

Super King Kong, aka Ape

Beautiful rip-off of King Kong. I wish I could find at least a trailer for it on the Internet, but just as we don’t have definitive proof of aliens, we don’t have a trailer online of Super King Kong. Technology fails us again.

Cujo

Remember what I said earlier about dogs? Yeah, I lied.

Arachnophobia

John Goodman plays an exterminator in a film about a spider infestation. Jeff Daniels creates a makeshift flame thrower to kill a big tarantula and I apologize about any bad things that I might have said about Jeff Daniels.

The Birds

The only Hitchcock film on the list and the best movie about birds ever made, including The Notebook, which was about people wanting to be birds, I think.

Deep Blue Sea

Sharks get bored with a Samuel L. Jackson monologue and devour him.

Piranha 3D

Eli Roth says “Hit it DJ Chocolate Thunder!” and I was the only guy in the theater on opening night, and it was glorious.

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