NoFaceNorm’s Christmas Gift Idea
A Cthulhu Hand Puppet For That Weird One In Your Family
It’s the holidays once again, and the air is filled with a mirthful buoyancy that brings feelings of nostalgia to even the most jaded of men. Snow falls gently upon the tongues of children who have nothing better to do, and adults everywhere are trying to buy that one gift for that certain someone whom they really have no idea how to shop for.
Ah, yes, Christmas can certainly be an awful time of self-doubt and awkwardness.
But it doesn’t have to be! No, no, my dear friend. You see, this time around,has got you covered.
You see, there’s one thing that everyone ‘round the world loves: Cthulhu and his unspeakably unfathomable buddies!
And with this hand puppet, you too can spread the word of the elder gods to friends and family!
CTHULHU COMMANDS YOU TO SPILL THE BLOOD OF A DOZEN MEN.
Ah, excuse me. I must have blacked out for a moment. That happens on Wednesdays.
Happy Kwanzaa, everyone!
Evil Argento’s Christmas Gift Ideas
The inaugural KISS Kruise in October 2011 must have been a resounding success, as there is a second one scheduled for October 2012. Details of the upcoming event have yet to be released, but last year’s four-night and five-day cruise sent KISS fans from Miami, Florida, to Half Moon Cay & Nassau, Bahamas, on board the Carnival Destiny. Fans also were treated to two KISS shows, one indoors and an acoustic set outdoors. If there’s a KISS Army member in your life whom you really, really love (tickets are pretty expensive), you might consider either sending them away or joining them on the KISS Kruise.
70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise
Yes, I know, another cruise. The first 70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise took place last January, and the second one is scheduled for January 2012, so you better act fast if you have a metal fan on your exchange list — and if you got a ton of spare cash. The 2012 cruise will feature 40 bands, ranging from Amorphis to Cannibal Corpse to Children of Bodom to Exciter to Kamelot to Over Kill to Nightwish to Venom and more. What better way to kick off the new year than with 2,000 like-minded fans on a five-day, four-night cruise from Miami to George Town, Cayman Islands?
Being a good metal head is more than just drinking Heineken and Jagermeister and listening to great tunes, it’s also about being in good physical shape — for moshing and sex. That’s why you need a diminutive MP3 player like the iPod nano. It’s extremely portable and comes in 8GB or 16B capacities, and though some of the best features of previous generations are gone, it’s still the best option on the market for gym rats. Prices range from $129 to $149.
Tattoo gift certificate
Nothing says subculture more than some body modification. It’s odd how tattoos are perhaps the least extreme of the options out there, especially when you consider how much they were almost exclusively associated with criminals and sailors not too long ago. Everybody has them nowadays. So, whether it’ll be your gift recipients first or 10th tattoo, this is a great option. Just make sure that they want one… then force them to get your name tattooed across their ass.
Mustaine: A Heavy Metal Memoire
It’s near impossible not to respect Dave Mustaine, which becomes impossible after reading his autobiography. Though he might not admit it, he has conquered. The immortalized words say it all and should be enough to convince you to get this book, if not for you, then at least for a Christmas gift:
Impoverished, transient childhood? Check.
Abusive, alcoholic parent? Check.
Mind-fucking religious weirdness (in his case the extremes of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and satanism)? Check.
Alcoholism, drug addiction, homelessness? Check, check, Check.
Soul-crushing professional and artistic setbacks? Check.
Rehab? Check (seventeen times, give or take).
Near-death experience? Check that one, too.
Peace Sells… But Who’s Buying? (25th Anniversary Deluxe Box Set)
Any metal fan worth his salt is familiar with this album. Favored by many as the greatest metal album of all time, it’s hard to believe that it’s already 25 years old. If you’ve got a metal fan in your life who’s also a collector (and, really, what metal fan isn’t? Being a fan automatically classifies you as a collector of fetish property, from rare albums to T-shirts to coffee mugs), this is this year’s top choice. The box set includes the original album, the remastered album, some vinyl records, concert DVD, and replica memorabilia — all of which from the Peace Sells era.