Previously Published on Yell!
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I love boobies. Seriously, I love them. So obviously, I love strip joints just as much as the next girl, but if there’s one thing I love more than boobies, it just might be. There is nothing, folks, absolutely nothing, better than the combination of those two things. Imagine the bouncy fun that happens when half-naked strippers run away from zombies. vs Strippers is pure Sexploitation gold, replete with its own Pam Grier for the 21st century, with the look of Coffy and the sass of Foxy Brown.
Alex Nicolaou makes his directorial debut with Zombies vs. Strippers, and what a debut it is. By the way, if you’re wondering if he sounds familiar, he does. His father is Ted Nicolaou, who you’ll know from such great cult films as Subspecies, TerrorVision and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys.
I wasn’t able to find one thing about this movie that wasn’t genius. Even the acting (which, when it comes to Full Moon flicks, isn’t always high on the list of important factors), was fabulous. Big screen newbie Brittany Gael Vaughn (who you may, but probably won’t remember from a brief stint on American Idol) finally has the chance to blow the competition out of the water (a feat she was unable to achieve on AI) as the afro-sporting, jive-talking, stiletto (as in the shoe) wielding, all around bad ass stripper-slash-killer Vanilla. If Pam Grier were dead, I would have said Vaughn had channelled the Blaxploitation queen herself. I see a future filled with amazing cult movies ahead of this one, ladies and gents, so keep an eye out for her.
The flick plays out thusly: Zombies overrun a city, and the few people left alive take refuge in a cheap, cheesy, tiki-themed strip club. While I seriously cannot flesh out the plot more than that, it’s a definite must-see (if only for the aforementioned boobies). The movie is filled with fantastic one-liners that had me nearly peeing my pants for the entire 75 minute run time. I’ll give you a teaser; feast your hungry little eyes on this quote: “I worked my ass off, and I never complained, and what do I get? High speed super AIDS from some hobo.” High speed super AIDS. I can’t say that enough. High speed super AIDS. If you’re wondering, that delicious little morsel is spouted by J. Scott (who plays Marvin), who goes by the moniker Nihilist Gelo. If you’ve been paying attention, kiddies, he’s the guy I gushed over in my review of The Dead Want Women (he played Tubby Fitzgerald). I think I’m developing a mad crush on him, as he’s basically, close to perfect. I kind of want to see him in everything I watch from now on (HINT HINT Mr. Band!).
Circus-Szalewski, who was also in The Dead Want Women, is back, this time playing Spider, the sleazy owner of the strip club (which, by the way, is called the Tough Titty) where the whole movie takes place. In such a different role from the one he played in TDWW, Circus shows he can be cowardly and snivelling, as well as greasy and sleazy.
The rest of the cast includes Eve Mauro who plays the slightly aged, but still banging stripper Sugar Hills, porn star Adriana Sephora (stripper, Jasmine), Victoria Levine (stripper, Bambi), Adam Brookes (Spike, singer of the punk band Nancy Reagan’s Vagina; great name, right?), and Brad Potts, Jonathan Erickson Eisley and Paul Vinson who make up the born again Christian biker gang who come to save the day. Take note, folks, Eisley’s character has an electrolarynx (you know, the voice box machine that people who’ve had tracheotomies use), and at one point, he turns it all the way up and uses it to electrify a zombie. Gold, absolute gold. There’s also your typical rich yuppie character, Richard (AKA Ramboner, as his frat brothers used to call him), played by Patrick Lazzara, who’s responsible for uttering the giggle-inducing line “this meth-head robot’s right!” in response to something Eisley said through his electrolarynx.
One of my favorite things about zombie movies is the length the survivors will go to craft weapons. In the case of Zombies vs. Strippers, one of these weapons is a stiletto-heeled shoe duct-taped to a stick, which Vanilla uses to stab through zombie heads while screaming lines like “this is your brain on drugs, motherfucker!”
And what horror movie would be complete without a star-crossed lovers tale? In Zombies Vs. Strippers, strip club bouncer Marvin is madly in love with stripper Jasmine, but it takes him being bitten for her to realize she loves him too. Unfortunately, it’s far too late, and as she’s giving him one last lap dance, you know, to help him feel again, he eats her. And not in the fun way, folks. So, so sad. For never was a story of more woe than this of Jasmine and her Marvin.
This movie gets 4 skulls from me. It would have gotten 5 skulls, but they killed off J. Scott. Buy this flick, my darlings. If ever you were a Full Moon fan, you need this movie in your collection. It’s definitely one of the best they’ve ever done, so head on over to Full Moon Direct, to pick it up. I’m going to leave you with two of my favorite quotes. The first is brought to us by Sugar Hills, and is a piece of advice I think we can all relate to, “The Stripper’s golden rule: Doesn’t matter whether you don’t like the customer. Whether he’s drunk, dead, or reminds you of your daddy, you give him your all!” The second is by Vanilla, and this one’s for you cheap boys out there, “If you ain’t tuckin’ a buck, you shit outta luck.” Stay scared, kids.