Near Dark (1987)
Kathryn Bigelow’s cult classic features some of the most blood-soaked vampire action you’re ever likely to find. By comparison, the average Twilight movie has less blood flowing than a senior citizen’s dried up genitals. Unless they’re on Viagra. You haven’t experienced trueuntil you knock on grandpa’s door only to be greeted by screams of ecstasy from the other side coming from someone who sounds suspiciously like your 90-year-old grandma. Yeah, I had a pretty traumatic childhood.
Anyway, Cameron regulars Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, and Jenette Goldstein play ruthless, spree-killingwith a complete disregard for human life and even less for law and order. Cue massacres and geysers of erupting blood.
Why they could kick Edward’s ass: Well, who do YOU think would win this showdown?
$100 on the pretty girl with the blue shirt! What? That’s a dude?
Vampire: The Masquerade
Kind of an odd choice if you’re not into pen and paper RPGs, but I needed somebody who would be willing to quite literally go Biblical on Edward’s ass. You can’t get more Biblical than Caine, the mythological first murderer. In White Wolf’s long-running role-playing game, Caine is the father of all vampires. After being expelled from Eden following the murder of his brother Abel, Caine wandered the lands aimlessly until four angels appeared to him, willing to forgive him for his bloody actions if he repented. Unwilling to bend knee to God, Caine rejected each one and received a different curse for each rejection: weakness to fire, weakness to sunlight, thirst for blood and constant betrayal. The only thing Edward has to worry about is deciding to take history or trigonometry for his 50th run through high school and which mousse will make his hair look fuller. Caine spent centuries ruling the city of Enoch, turning it into a den of corruption so horrible that even God had to go “Holy shit!” and wipe the place off the face of the Earth with The Great Flood.
Why he could kick Edward’s ass: Dude took on God! Twice! And walked away! He still roams the Earth to this day. Edward is a flea God crushes under his feet while on his way to smite something worthwhile.
No.3 David Bowie
The Hunger (1983)
Forget physical beatings. Let’s focus on the looks. Which creature of the night could possibly make Edward green (well, vanilla) with envy? If there’s one vampire who could give Edward a run for his money in the androgynous department it would have to be David Bowie. Bleach white skin? Check! Strangely feminine bone structure? Check! Funny, conflicting feelings whenever you see him topless? Check check check! Let’s face it, here’s a man whose entire career is based around his pasty, effete yet inexplicably attractive good looks.
Ok, readers, your penis has a choice to make here: Catherine Deneuve or David Bowie. Start your batin’!
Why he could kick Edward’s ass: There wouldn’t be quite so much kicking involved as long, listless staring into the ether. It would be a battle for the ages: Edward Cullen Vs. Ziggy Stardust, staring at a hole in a wall with all the intensity they can muster.
Any version, really
At this point, it seems obvious that Eddie-boy needs some serious lessons in how to behave like a proper vampire. He walks in daylight, refuses to drink blood like all the cool vampires and insists on getting married before doing the deed. What we need here is an expert to whip this boy into shape. And by that I mean kick 17 different shades of shit out of him. We need a real trendsetter, somebody who’s been doing the vampire thing longer than anybody. Paging Mr. Tepes! Mr. Vlad Tepes!
The original blood sucker, Vlad Tepes (aka: Dracula) if you’re not up on your vampire lore, was a vicious warlord who experienced great joy at watching his opponents slide down long, lubricated, wooden poles. Preferably via their buttholes. Come to think of it, I’m sure Edward rather enjoys some variation on that last statement. Oh schnap! Yeah, I went there!
Why he could kick Edward’s ass: Vlad wouldn’t bother kicking Edward’s ass. That would be beneath him. However, I’m sure he’d take time out of his busy schedule to demonstrate the proper and entirely non-sexual use of the word “impalement” to Edward.
Kidding! Kidding! But only because it wouldn’t be a fair fight. The Sesame Street Count up there would demolish Edward in two-seconds flat. No, let’s be fair here and give Edward a fighting chance against an opponent more his size.
Ah, now that we have a fair fight going, let’s look at the combatants. On the one hand, we have the Daywalker himself: Blade. He’s armed with all the strengths vampires possess but he has none of their weaknesses. He has super-human strength, durability, heals rapidly, and enjoys the raw power of a fully stocked vampire-killing arsenal. He hates suckheads with a passion, kills them without hesitation whenever they cross his path, and has little patience for pretty boys and other equally useless individuals. Even taking all that away, he’s played by Wesley Snipes, who looks like he never met a Robert Pattinson he didn’t enjoy abusing like a red-headed stepchild.
His opponent: Edward Cullen. He’s armed with languorous, brain-dead looks, rotten poetry that wouldn’t make the sluttiest of chicks remove her panties, and sparkles that make him a pretty easy target to spot in broad daylight. The winnah?
If you had to ask…