Top 10 Vampires - Artwork by Jonathan Hoffman

Or: Because A Top 100 Would Have Been Too Long

I fucking hate Twilight with the burning intensity of a thousand Indian burns. I hate the books, I hate the movies, I hate what it’s done to the perception of vampires by the general public. I hate the fans and I hate the funny feelings my fictional girlfriend gets in her equally fictional and possibly inflatable nether regions whenever Robert Pattinson stares blankly at something off in the distance, which he does with alarming frequency. I don’t know what the hell he’s staring at, but clearly its brightness has burned out whatever passed for cognitive reasoning in that oddly misshapen forehead of his.

Caption: “…………………”

Therefore, in “honor” of the new Twilight movie opening this weekend whose title I can’t be bothered to imprint on my short-term memory for fear it will displace the memory of my last bowel movement, here is Yell! Magazine’s Top 10 List Of Vampires Who Could Kick Edward’s Cullen’s Sparkly Ass! My mother wanted a spot on the list, but I told her she had to get bitten by a vampire first in order to qualify. She really loathes that pointy-haired bastard. Undaunted, she immediately purchased a ticket to Transylvania and promised to return swiftly with a brand new set of pointy teeth. Thanks, Travelocity!

He’ll enforce the guarantee… and suck your blood out through your ankles!

While we await her return, let’s run down the list of Vamps most likely to stab, beat, punch, kick, decapitate, defenestrate, and tell Edward Cullen to get a fucking haircut. These are the Vamps that snack on nubile young women instead of creepily watching them sleep and passing the act off as romantic. They’ll sneak into your bed at night, use your pulsing neck vein as a Slurpee straw and would never dream of waiting until marriage before ravishing you like a ruthless warlord running off to war with a massive, throbbing erection knocking down trees left and right… [Editor’s note: For the sake of expediency, we’ve edited out the rest of TheMatt’s rant, which may or may not have included references to Marie Antoinette, Viking seamen and/or semen, quite frankly we’re not sure which, an insane number of virgins being deflowered, and diaphragmatic war cries.]

No.10 Jerry Dandrige

Fright Night (1985)

Not even a recent remake could tarnish the aura of cool surrounding Chris Sarandon’s 1985 performance as smooth-as-silk vampire and neighbor from hell Jerry Dandrige. He’s smart, sophisticated, knows all the rules of the vampire game like the back of his hand, and lures young women in order to have his way with them and subsequently drink their blood. Screw nauseating lines like, “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin” and, “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.” Jerry is all about unbridled sex appeal and touchy-feely dancing in bad ’80s nightclubs.

Here’s Amanda Bearse, trying really hard to remember she’s a lesbian.

Why he could kick Edward’s ass: Well, he’s been hiding his vampirism for 1,000 years with great success, while Edward might as well be wearing a sign that says, “In between bouts of meaningless staring I like to drink blood.” So while the villagers with torches and pitchforks are burning Edward at the stake, Jerry is sipping martinis back at his place. Plus, Jerry would so totally steal Bella away from Edward in two seconds with his perfect ’80s hair and sheer, irresistible Chris Sarandon-ness.

Ladies.

No.9 Selene

Underworld (2003)

My ongoing love affair with Kate Beckinsale (Read: ongoing court battle regarding a growing pile of restraining orders, which started innocently enough with “100 feet at all times” and progressed to “not on the same planet”) is well established. I have a mild infatuation! There’s no need to call the cops every time you find me mowing your lawn or poking through your trash for discarded… But, I digress! How can I not include her on this list and thus cement my everlasting love for her?

Also, I can put an X next to “gratuitous cheesecake” on my checklist for this article.

Why she could kick Edward’s ass: Selene, the Frederick’s Of Hollywood-wearing, skintight leather-clad (not that we’re complaining) Death Dealer and heroine of the Underworld franchise is a stratospheric leap ahead of Edward Cullen in terms of body count alone. She takes out werewolves with alarming regularity, meaning Team Jacob would be in mourning quite fast, she has no compunctions against taking out fellow vampires, which means Team Edward’s mascot would find himself filled with enough pieces of silver to make Judas call foul. Plus, she’s heavily armed at all times and, post Underworld 2, can step into sunlight without looking like a De Beers diamond with a light bulb stuck up its ass.

Who’s an Adonis now, bitch!?

No.8 Claudia

Interview with the Vampire (1994)

How sad is it when a 10-year-old girl can kick your ass? It’s pretty sad, actually. I’m still in therapy from that time little Lindy hit me in the face during dodgeball practice… last week. She’s a mean little bitch. I’m glad I spiked that thing right back in her curly-haired, freckled, cuddly little retainer-wearing face! Anyway, here’s an impossibly young Kirsten Dunst in Interview with the Vampire, playing the eternally youthful Claudia, the child-like vampire with a mean streak. Her youthful appearance is her greatest weapon, allowing her to take on victims three times her size by virtue of her apparent innocence.

“I want to suck your blood!” Awww, she’s adorable! Honey, slice your jugular open and give the poor thing some blood!

Why she could kick Edward’s ass: Pattinson’s pasty, vanilla physique looks like the last heavy thing he tried to lift with his muscles was a particularly deep, introspective sigh concerning the depth of his navel. Claudia spends her nights luring men into darkened alleyways and beating them into submission. Edward’s probably spent some time luring strange men into alleyways himself, but I doubt it was with the intent of slaughtering them. Advantage: 10-year-old girl.

No.7 The Lost Boys

The Lost Boys (1987)

The Lost Boys holds the distinction of being the first vampire movie I ever saw where the vamps simply could not care less about staying under the radar. The titular group flaunts their powers, ruling over a small town’s boardwalk with impunity and seemingly uncaring about the risk of attracting fellows like Blade. Unlike the Cullen boys, they don’t spend their time playing vampire-powered baseball.

What is this “physical activity” you speak of?

Nope, the Lost Boys would rather hunt for prey, ravage innocent women and add to their ranks by drinking the blood of Corey Haim. (Yeesh, don’t they know where he’s been?!)

Why they could kick Edward’s ass: Not only could the Boys beat Edward like a rented mule, but they could easily take on the entire Cullen clan. On their lunch break. In between serious bouts of looking totally badass in that uniquely ’80s way. What really puts the gang over the top? Their secret weapon, of course! Three words: Jack. Fucking. Bauer. Nuff’ said.

Damn it! I have to stop Edward from setting off a nuclear bomb, damn it! Damn it!

No.6 Marlow

30 Days of Night (2007)

If there’s anything more frightening than a vampire, it’s a vampire with a plan. Most vamps are content with lurking in caves and other various lairs and occasionally going out for a light snack. Marlow, the main heavy in 30 Days Of Night, is by far the most pro-active vampire I’ve ever encountered. Not only does he schlept his ass all the way over to Alaska, making sure to bring his entire clan along, but he checks the calendar first to make sure he’ll have a month-long period of uninterrupted darkness to play in.

Now here’s a man with a plan! And quite possibly tooth decay.

Why he could kick Edward’s ass: Well, for one thing, he’s got horrible table manners. Edward wouldn’t want to get within 50 feet of Marlow for fear of getting any of that silly blood stuff all over him. What kind of vampire drinks blood with such reckless abandon anyway? Plus, Edward’s idea of a plan is spending five frakking movies convincing a girl to move in with him so he can possibly, maybe, but only if she really feels like it and you don’t think it’s too yucky, drink her blood. Dude, Kristen Stewart looks like she’s barely aware of her surroundings, I doubt she’ll even feel a little prick. And by that, I mean you.

Find out which vampire ranked in at Number 1 after the jump…

Despite an underwhelming reaction by critics, I walked into Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter with high hopes. I had a feeling that the “rotten” status it’s garnered on a certain popular review website could have been the cause of one of two things:

1) Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was played perfectly straight – a somber tone at the forefront of an action/drama that takes the path of realism to tell a tale of absurdity.

Or

2) Abraham Lincoln: Vamprie Hunter was played perfectly straight; He’s a mean mofo who battles the undead with his kick-ass kung fu moves and bullet-time supremacy.

Luckily (for us) Director Timur Bekmambetov has taken the “low road” in his historical reimagining. Abe Lincoln is terribly stupid, yes – borderline deficient as a film in and of itself – but that’s what makes it so goddamn satisfying.

It takes itself seriously, sure it re-writes the civil war as a method of freeing the slaves from an underground collusion of the undead, but it knows, it knooows that it’s basically one big joke. One big, heavily budgeted, well-directed, in your-face, schlock-tastic mother of a joke, and most people just aren’t sure how to rate that sort of thing.

How much you enjoy Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter all depends on how eager you are to see it. Yes, that goes without saying, but you need to open your mind, young one. Go in all scrunchy-faced and ready to point out how “silly this whole thing is” and you’ll no doubt have wasted your $11.

Go see it bright eyed and ready for some good-old alt-history pulp-fiction bullcrap, and – guess what – you’ll be glad you did. Every scene that seems like it’s trying to sell you on the concept of how much of a bad-ass Abe Lincoln was is going to seem like it’s winking you right in the face. Primarily, because it is. Seriously, with the exception of the tacked-on school-grade romance, it’s just an exercise in winking.

I mean, come on! He chops a tree in half with the power of “truth!” He spins an axe around in flourishes more than he uses it to actually cut anything! He runs atop a herd of stampeding horses, leaping across their backs in the form of a CGI puppet.

” It’ll look cool if I do tricks with this.”

It’s the biggest waste of time, but it’s high in self-awareness. Therefore, it’s good.

Abe Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) is disturbed one night, to the sound and sight of his mother’s death. The cause? Vampires. “It was all the vampires, man.” Taking a vow of revenge, he learns the art of vampire hunting from a skilled vigilante, by the name of Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper). Soon, he uncovers a conspiracy surrounding a legion of nightwalkers and their tasty, tasty slaves. Wishing to eradicate this underground menace once and for all, he undertakes his presidency, and causes revolution the world over.

“That sounds ridiculous.”

Astute observation, Doctor Stupid. Please, tell me more about how high your movie-going standards are.

Now, alright, to be fair, there is a lot to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter that’s worth mentioning besides its way of just playing itself up as an example of pushing the envelope beyond its recommended limits. It’s actually shot very well, and composed like something you’d see out of a Zack Snyder film. It’s very heavy on atmosphere, which lends to its larger than life tones very well. The actors could have had more fun with it, and the bits about Abe falling in love are worth cringing at, yes,  (Mary Elizabeth Winstead could do much, much better), but to me, this seems like the definition of a love it or hate it film.

The guy I saw this with? Hated it. His reasons?

The same reasons that I loved this film for.

“Stand and pose with me, my friend.”

It might seem like a bit of a no-brainer but this sort of thing could have been handled much, much worse. If you were on the fence about seeing this film because you just didn’t want to be hurt again (It’s your fault, Cowboys and Aliens) then worry not, my good man. Abe Lincoln is exactly what it should be; the schlockiest schlock this side of schlock-ville, with a little cup of thematic depth  that you can dip your crust in.

See it with the right mindset (Yell! Magazine does not condone drug use, kids!) and it’ll be laugh out loud funny. Expect something along the lines of a Sherlock Holmes style modern- redux and you’ll be resenting it for the rest of your days.

Look – there’s bad-ass a la Die Hard, and there’s bad-ass a la Shoot Em’ Up. Sometimes, you might as well seek refuge in audacity, and piss off a bunch of critics for good measure.

The Verdict: 3 out of 5 stars

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is an irreverent piece of work that’s handled surprisingly well. Whether you’re watching young Abe’s training montage or an old, bearded Abe fighting atop a speeding train, there’s always something to enjoy – or if you wanna be a dick about it, something to hate. It’s sure to wind up a cult classic (if anything) and we here at Yell! Magazine thoroughly approve of that shit.

I tip my hat to you, Timur Bekmambetov, but it bears mentioning that I’m not wearing any pants.

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

3 out of 5 stars

Year Released:

22 June 2012

Director:

Timur Bekmambetov

Cast/Crew

Benjamin Walker, Rufus Sewell, Anthony Mackie, Joseph Mawle, John Rothman, Curtis Harris, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and Dominic Cooper

Genre

Action, Horror, Fantasy

Official URL:

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Official

Like fellow action/horror film franchise Resident Evil, the Underworld series likes to pop out a new entry every couple of years like clockwork. However, unlike its zombie-infested counterpart, which has consistently starred Milla Jovovich’s Alice, Underworld has been without its central character since 2009’s Rise Of The Lycans had to make do without Kate Beckinsale’s sultry, lethal Selene… and her skintight leather suit that kick started roughly a million wet dreams.

That puddle she’s standing in is the accumulated drool of a thousand fans.

While Rise Of The Lycans, starring Beckinsale’s ex-husband Michael Sheen in the lead role, was a decent if middling box office performer, Selene’s presence was sorely missed. Fast forward to 2012 and Underworld: Awakening is now in theaters, featuring the return of our beloved heroine, a bevy of special effects and the dreaded conversion to 3-D, which is never a good thing for movies as darkly lit as Underworld. Can Awakening, the second movie in the franchise out of the hands of original series helmer Len Wiseman, live up to the potential of the first two movies? Or will it be a forgettable entry, left to linger in video store bargain bins alongside the mediocre Rise Of The Lycans?

Join me, your ever faithful and so categorically hairy he might just be a Lycan reviewer, as Yell! Magazine unleashes its review of Underworld: Awakening! For this review, I equipped myself with silver bullets, wooden stakes, and a box of tissues.

The tissues are to wipe away the tears. From all the crying. During the sad parts. Yeah, that’s the ticket…

Sadly, Awakening fails to pick up on many of the plot threads left hanging at the conclusion of Underworld Evolution. For those of you coming late to the game, Selene had seemingly grown powerful enough to stand in direct sunlight without fear of exploding like a sexy Roman candle and her erstwhile paramour, the lycan/vampire hybrid Michael (Scott Speedman) was at her side and growing exponentially more powerful. Awakening skips ahead 12 years and makes the mistake of ditching Speedman’s character entirely.

While never the most animated of actors, Speedman is as important to the franchise as Beckinsale. The interesting romance between Selene and Michael made up much of the series’ story and his exclusion sticks out like sore thumb. A poorly chosen body double stands in for Speedman during flashback sequences, but this makes the audience miss him even more. Selene wakes up in cryogenic suspension, having given birth to a daughter sometime in the interim. Awakening’s central plotline involves Selene’s quest for her missing family. Cue akimbo firearms, black leather so tight you’d have to be poured in, and sexy crawling through air ducts.

I’d follow her anywhere.

Awakening won’t win any awards for screenwriting, but even so, the story is a notch below that of the first two movies. The familiar war between wolves and vamps is mostly abandoned, instead Awakening focuses mostly on human antagonists, led by Stephen Rea’s Dr. Jacob. Rea, normally a strong performer, doesn’t dial it in so much as leave a text message. That’s how bored he appears with the project.

Faring incredibly better is young newcomer Indie Easley as Eve, Selene and Michael’s hybrid daughter. The young actress shows up Rea by several levels of acting ability, displaying a convincing grasp of what it means to star in a vampire movie. Replacing the irreplaceable Bill Nighy as head vampire honcho is Game Of Thrones’ Charles Dance, who doesn’t quite chew the scenery with the same voracity as Nighy but makes for a decent vampire elder nonetheless.

Instead of further exploring the Underworld mythos, Awakening mostly struggles to fill its running time with increasingly preposterous action sequences. While stunning, slow motion set pieces have been a part of the series since the beginning, it’s painfully obvious here that Awakening is substituting bullets for storytelling. Whatever gravitas the series once had is replaced by a ludicrous amount of spent shell casings. It’s inarguable that Beckinsale looks stunning wielding a pair of firearms, but that only takes the viewer so far, there’s simply no meat on Awakening’s bone.

“Oh, I don’t know. He tastes pretty meaty to me.”

Special effects are decent if unspectacular. A late-game appearance by a pumped-up, gigantic lycan on steroids easily steals the show, but the movie definitely shows its middle-of-the-road budget limitations. As far as the 3-D is concerned, Awakening takes place mostly at night in darkened areas, thus lending a muddy, hazy quality to the 3-D effects.

The Verdict: 3.5 out of 5 stars

All in all, Awakening is a boon to action fans looking for something to sate their appetite during the slow movie season of January. In a month filled with mostly nothing except Oscar-bait movies, you could do a hell of a lot worse than Underworld: Awakening to soothe your craving for guilt-free thrills. Still, if the series is to continue, a better script is recommended for the next installment.

Your faithful reviewer,
TheMatt

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

3.5 out of 5 stars

Year Released:

20 January 2012

Director:

Måns Mårlind, Björn Stein

Cast/Crew

Kate Beckinsale, Michael Ealy, Stephen Rea, Michael Ealy, Theo James, Sandrine Holt, Charles Dance, and India Eisley

Genre

Action, Fantasy, Horror

Official URL:

Underworld: Awakening Official

In continuing with the vampire theme that we’ve had recently, I embarked on an epic journey to bring you more bloodsucking fiends and sexy girls with fangs. My search led me to 1987′s Near Dark.

Oklahoman teen Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar, TV’s Heroes) is a bored farmhand who happens to spot a mysterious young woman (Jenny Wright, Pink Floyd’s The Wall) from afar. They gallivant around town together and even her cryptic non-sequiturs aren’t enough to deter him from the vague promise of a little slap and tickle. Mae eventually bites him on the neck and runs off into the night, but Caleb gets a nasty surprise at sunrise when the bite on his neck begins to burn and cause him pain. Just about the time that it would appear he’s done for, a roving band of renegade vampires kidnaps him because – surprise! He’s now just like them… or is he?

Near Dark (1987) – Lance Henriksen as Jesse Hooker

The vampires comprise of compelling leader Jesse Hooker (the LEGENDARY Lance Henriksen), sociopathic tough guy Severen (Bill Pullman – wait, no Paxton – wait, no Pullman… no, Paxton!), Jesse’s cold-blooded main squeeze Diamondback (Jenette Goldstein, Aliens) and pathetic/hilarious child vampire Homer (Joshua John Miller, Teen Witch). It becomes clear that Caleb isn’t meant for a life with these bloodthirsty psychopaths and Jesse finally gives him an ultimatum: he has one week to learn how to feed and become like them, or else he’s undead dog meat.

Things become all the more complicated when Caleb’s meddling father (low-budget film staple Tim Thomerson) and younger sister set out across the American countryside to track him down, and track him down they do, leading to a tense stand off that doesn’t end things there.

I was impressed by several things about the movie, but first and foremost was how good it was. When I went into the movie I wasn’t expecting the cult classic that I was getting. This was only director Kathryn Bigelow’s (Strange Days, The Hurt Locker) second film, but you can already see her distinctive style coming out. The script, also written by Bigelow and co-penned by Eric Red (who also wrote The Hitcher) is insanely good for a 1980s vampire film. It’s The Lost Boys, only nittier, grittier, and for the older kids. Surprisingly, the film dwindled at the box office upon it’s initial release but unsurprisingly has garnered a strong cult following.

The two “leads,” Adrian Pasdar and Jenny Wright, do little to push the story along save for being necessary in the storytelling process. They’re nothing special as far as acting goes, but both were relatively new to the film industry. The real stars of the show are former Aliens cast members Lance Henriksen, Jenette Goldstein, and Bill Paxton. And to be honest, Jenette isn’t even really doing anything but looking super hot and providing the chance to show that Lance Henriksen’s character has a softer side. Still, she’s great at it and probably set the pulse of many young men racing. I applaud her for that much.

Bill Paxton, Jenette Goldstein, Joshua John Miller, Near Dark (1987)

The level of Jenette’s hotness is only tantamount to what an amazing bastard Bill Paxton manages to be in this role. He gets almost all of the good lines and delivers them with incredible gusto. He’s the sort of villain that people love to hate and just plain love. You can feel from the get-go that he’s not the sort of guy (undead or alive) that you’d want to fuck with. Lance Henriksen as Jesse Hooker does an excellent job of conveying everything that a stone-faced leader needs to be: He’s cool, calm, and in control of the entire situation throughout and has a few great lines himself.

Joshua John Miller, Near Dark (1987)

The weakest parts of the film had little to do with any continuity errors, technical difficulties, or anything like that – simply put, it’s those damned pesky child vampires. Joshua John Miller seemed to have a unique penchant for playing burdensome kids in ’80s movies and this role is no exception. I genuinely can’t tell whether the character was supposed to be as pathetic as he is and if the humor involving Homer (H-O-M-E-R, mispronounce it and I wouldn’t want to be you!) was intentional or not. Jenny Wright as Mae does little but look adorable and pixie-ish, which leaves something to be desired. I didn’t feel she was as alluring as she could have been and she’s in a role that demands an ethereal sexiness and a little something more than that – she has the sexiness, but comes across as unappealingly vacant most of the time… unless you’re into that, and hey, who am I to judge?

While they never explicitly say the V-word in the whole movie, make no mistake: Near Dark is one of the most important vampire movies of our times and is sure to become a fast favorite to those looking for a fast-paced story, a solid script, and some knockout performances from familiar faces.

4 out of 5 stars

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

4 out of 5 stars

Year Released:

2 October 1987

Director:

Kathryn Bigelow

Cast/Crew

Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Bill Paxton, Jenette Goldstein, Tim Thomerson, Joshua John Miller, Kenny Call and Lance Henriksen

Genre

Horror, Thriller

Official URL:

none

We here at Yell! Magazine are awfully big on vampire films, but only the good ones. That’s why we’re dedicated to bringing you coverage on both versions of Fright Night. Today we’re going to plunge straight into the jugular of Fright Night, before 3D – that’s right, the original 1985 version.

The year was 1985; the hair was bouffant, the slang tubular, and the teenagers horny. The latter point is only proved by how the film starts out. Horror movie obsessed Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale, Herman’s Head, Justified) is caught between a rock and a hard place (wink wink) when he fools around with his girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse, Married With Children). He tries to go a little too far for the lady’s liking and they have a tiff; after Charley eloquently complains about a terrible struggle with blue balls, she offers herself up, but the young master’s attention is drawn away all too quick by the intriguing sight of a team of movers carrying a coffin through the yard next door. Amy leaves in a huff and Charley’s mother informs him that there’s a new man (Chris Sarandon, Nightmare Before Christmas) moving in next door. I was surprised that he didn’t say, “Thanks, Captain Obvious!”

The next day a beautiful young blonde woman happens upon Charley in his yard and he redirects her to the house next door. Later that evening, he hears a foreboding scream. The woman later turns up in the evening news in no condition to do what young Charley probably wanted to. He and Amy nearly reconcile, but he’s so disturbed by the TV news that she huffs away, but not before cramming some poor young man’s sandwich into Charley’s face. This is the first time that we are introduced to Evil Ed’s (Stephen Geoffreys, 976-EVIL) hyena-like laughter. For years, Evil Ed has been endearing himself to horror fans or making them want to curbstomp him in short order. Personally, I’ve always felt his stupidity is a little charming, myself. If this is your first viewing of Fright Night (1985), I recommend a pair of earplugs for every time Ed is on screen if you’re so inclined.

Charley tries to investigate the house next door but is shut down stone cold by what appears to be the new neighbor’s toady – or lover, as Charley’s mom thinks. The caretaker Billy (Jonathan Stark, According to Jim) tells him under no uncertain terms to scram. That evening, Charley is awoken and treated to a peep show that was probably created the first confused feelings in many boys (and girls) in 1985. There’s some bare breast action that Charley seems really into before Jerry Dandridge spies him from across the way – but only right after he’s sunk his teeth into the nubile young woman’s flesh. Charley bolts from the room and does the only acceptable thing that every teenaged boy would do in that situation; wakes his mom up to tell her that the neighbors have murdered someone. His mother treats his paranoia with hot cocoa, but it’s still not enough to keep Charley’s crazy ‘conspiracy theories’ at bay.

He calls the police the next morning which proves uneventful, as Charley’s web of paranoia spins out of control. He gets Evil Ed in on the action and proves so insistent that Amy goes as far to hire washed up TV personality (and Charley’s person hero) Peter Vincent (the incomparable Roddy McDowall) to do some ‘vampire slaying’, although one thing quickly becomes certain: Charley has found himself a real live vampire who is EXTREMELY pissed off at certain meddling kids, despite Evil Ed’s scoldings of “There are no such thing as vampires, fruitcake!” They all get a little more than they bargained for in the end and make this film a sweet ride along the way.

Despite the fact that the original Fright Night was made in 1985 and can be expected to be somewhat dated in hairstyle, clothing, slang, etcetera – it still makes for a timeless classic that will resonate deeply with horror fans – specifically those riding the waves of vampire craze these days, if there are any of you left. I know that Twilight has soured so many former vampire fans on the entire bloodsucker genre, but don’t be discouraged – watching this film will give you a glimmer of hope that things CAN change in that arena for the better. There are no outrageous gimmicks in this story; it’s classic vamp all the way and heralds some extremely pleasing results as the end product.

This is a story driven film that isn’t heavy on blood and gore. It mostly relies on elements of good old fashioned mind fuckery, executed wonderfully by Chris Sarandon as Jerry Dandrige. He comes across as exactly the sort of man who you wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of a game of cat and mouse with. Roddy McDowall and Chris Sarandon effortlessly pull together the cast to make the movie what it is. McDowall’s portrayal of Peter Vincent balances out some of the more serious elements and provides a few solid chuckles. Being that the film was made in 1985, the special effects aren’t as great as most modern movie goers are accustomed to, but the vampires don’t sparkle. Isn’t that a good enough selling point?

Another selling point is the sheer nostalgia on the T&A front. Aside from the boob action that I mentioned above, there’s also what may be an infamous seduction scene at a nightclub. Amanda Bearse channels Marcy Darcy like you’ve never seen her before, all to the beat of dark ’80s synthpop. More importantly than the overt sexuality in the film is how far it pushes the story along and what it does to reinforce the idea that vampires can be both seductive and creepy, without making it as sleazy as it could have been or making the two mutually exclusive.

If you’re looking for a good vamp flick or just looking to see how Fright Night 3D (in theaters August 19) stacks up to the original, you’ve come to the right source. As something of an elitist, I think I can already say which version I prefer despite the all-star cast in the upcoming film. The bottom line is that this is a substantial retro popcorn flick that’s perfect for hazy summer night viewing and will serve horror fans well for years to come.

“Nobody wants to see vampire killers anymore, or vampires either. Apparently all they want are demented mad men running around in ski masks, hacking up young virgins!” Don’t fret, Peter Vincent. Some of us are still out there.

Check back shortly for a review on Fright Night 3D.

Fright Night (1985) Trailer

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

3.5 out of 5 stars

Year Released:

2 August 1985

Director:

Tom Holland

Cast/Crew

Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, Stephen Geoffreys, Art Evans, Roddy McDowall, Jonathan Stark and Amanda Bearse

Genre

Horror, Thriller

Official URL:

none

Credit: Screen Gems

With the remake of Fright Night looming on the horizon, we thought we’d get some vampire opinion out there.

And so…

Our friend and celluloid compadre with a predilection toward horror, sci-fi, and basically anything to do with decapitations and impalements, Dimitri A.C. Ly, over at TheDreamersEdge.com had the opportunity to have his inner thoughts on vampires excised by Josie Kafka at BillieDoux.com. We thought his answers were so full of his wit and charm that we couldn’t resist sharing them with our Yell! Magazine readers.

Truthfully, however, if your read between the sarcasm and, well, honesty, you’ll find Dimitri’s answers to be insightful and hilarious.

Enjoy.

1 What do you like most about vampires?

Ironically, the thing I like most about vampires is that I couldn’t care less about them. What all the nastier Twilight detractors out there refuse to understand is that the pasty blood-suckers belong to women and have for decades. Consider Anne Rice’s body of work (before she found Jesus obviously) or TV shows like Moonlight and The Gates; vampires are the new unicorn. They’re to genre fiction what Sex and the City (2008) is to summer blockbusters, except, you know, they don’t suck. Well, they do, but not in that… Oh, never mind.

2 What are your top three vampire movies?

I reserve the right to change my mind on a whim. At number three ranks Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino’s From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), an admittedly odd choice in a list of top vampire movies, given my interest always starts to wane as soon as the blood-suckers show up. What can I say? I like the first half of the movie that much.

Tomas Alfredson’s Let the Right One In, aka, Låt den rätte komma (2008) is number two. Based on the novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist, it tells of a bullied 12-year-old who, instead of learning kung fu from Jackie Chan, falls in love with a vampire. If you haven’t yet seen this disturbing Swedish gem, sprint to the nearest video store right now. I’ll wait.

As any self-respecting horror fan knows, F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu (1922) is the single most important vampire flick ever made. It’s the one that started it all, using German impressionism to bring gothic horror from the page to the screen. In doing so, the movie not only created the basic vocabulary for its genre, but helped pioneer as well the notion of cinema as an emotional experience. For these reasons and many more, my number one pick is Blade (1998).

3 What are your top three vampire books?

Number three: Guy de Maupassant’s The Horla, aka, Le Horla, never explicitly mentions the blood-sucking creatures — in fact, H.P. Lovecraft interpreted the being as an alien bent on world domination — but I’ve always read it as a vampire tale, so there. Reminiscent of Edgar Allan Poe’s more haunting short stories, the novella comprises the final entries in a French bourgeois’ diary as his life is slowly sucked out of him by an entity that sneaks into his room every night and consumes his milk and cookies. Come to think of it, maybe the Horla is a killer Santa Claus!

Number two: Not only did Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend redefine contemporary horror by taking gothic tropes and providing sci-fi explanations for them, it’s also a deeply moving tale of a man coming to terms with mortality on a global scale. None of the film adaptations do justice to the book’s philosophical intricacies, so I urge you all to pick it up at your earliest convenience. What you’ll find in this novella is the modernist sensibility at its most poetic.

After the jump you can continue to read Dimitri’s diatribe, then you can decide for yourself why vampires suck…