Hey everyone. Welcome back to NoFaceNorm’s  Grammatically Unsound Movie Reviews. I hope your respective, non-denominational holidays served you well.

Believe it or not, despite what most critics would like you to think, we’re actually humans, and we actually have emotions. As such, our own biases might make us lean one way or another, and in turn they affect the end result of our reviews. The following critique is a perfect example of this, as – since I was a kid – I have always held a certain preference.

A preference, that is, for tough chicks. Not to be confused with “buff” women.

Please, do yourself a favor and don’t ask.

Naturally, this shoves me straight into the key demographic for a movie like Haywire (2011). Despite its convoluted plot made worse by a narrative half-told in flashbacks, it all takes the backseat to the main selling point: your action heroine stands as a professional in the business of kicking ass.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Uh, you gave Colombiana a bad review, genius. You must be some kind of moron.”

But that is exactly my point. The whole “femme fatale” thing is a gimmick that’s been done to death. Every now and then, we see a new spin on it, as in the case of The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo, Hanna or Kill Bill, but usually it’s all the same formula that just shouts: “Hey, stupid, give us your money.”

You could summarize it like this:

Action + Hot Lady = $

It doesn’t really get any more complicated than that. Unfortunately, what we’ve learned from films like Colombiana or Salt (Starring Angelina Jolie) is that this formula is starting to become a tiny bit transparent.

When you cast a suitably attractive woman as your “token contract murderer” it looks particularly awkward when she hyperextends her knees to kick, stiffens up her shoulders to punch, and turns her palms inward when she puts up her dukes (seriously, they always do that). It looks a little incongruent when your government-sanctioned killing machine seems to be so wary of breaking her nails. Seasoned fighter or not, you subconsciously pick up on these things.

So, in the end, these women aren’t tough. They’re just doing a bad job of acting tough. To quote Socrates, “Just because you put syrup on shit, doesn’t make it pancakes.”

Despite the whole “Now I will kill you” part, this really doesn’t seem so bad.

But here comes a new spin on an old formula:

Movie Exec 1: “What if we took an actual fighter, and taught her how to act?”

Movie Exec 2: “Fighters don’t make good actors, we’ve done it before.”

Movie Exec 1: “But, she’ll play a contractor – she doesn’t have to act! Her character lives sans emotions!”

Movie Exec 2:  “Erm, but wouldn’t that take a subtle sense of complexity – the kind that can only be expressed and known through experience?”

Movie Exec 1: “No.”

Movie Exec 2: “Rick, I like your style.”

And that’s pretty much it. That’s what makes this Haywire (2011) feel so authentic. Instead of trying to get some “normie” to play a martial artist, they get a martial artist to play a martial artist! It’s F’ing genius!

Read about the verdict after the jump…

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

3.5 out of 5 stars

Year Released:

20 January 2012

Director:

Steven Soderbergh

Cast/Crew

Gina Carano, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, Eddie J. Fernandez, Aaron Cohen, Maximino Arciniega, and Michael Fassbender

Genre

Action, Thriller

Official URL:

Haywire (2011)

Artwork by Dogsfather on deviantART

Part of being the resident Yell! Magazine geek is being knowledgeable when it comes to the latest gadgets. Also, daily beatings in the mail room with the severed tail of a diseased badger. But enough about my love life! It’s the beginning of a brand new year, which means all the things we count on to get through our boring, meaningless lives will soon be getting upgrades, sequels, and reinventions. The yearly CES just closed its doors and all the 2011 models are making way for the hot, young trophy wives of 2012. It’s time for slimmer TVs, new iterations of old gaming consoles, the same old junk as last year only with a higher roman numeral next to their names!

Therefore, in the spirit of looking ahead, your faithful reviewer is proud to present all the stuff that your inner loot whore will spend her hard-earned cash on in the months to come. It’s TheMatt’s 2012 Stuff That I Want You To Buy Me list! Haven’t I earned a little reward for all my hard work? Haven’t I provided my faithful readers with continual mirth and merriment? Didn’t I tickle you in that one spot that one time with that one thing that you really like? Yeah, you know who you are… you dirty little bitch!

Dirty little bitch. Also goes by Sir Pounce A Lot.

So without further ado, here’s a list of things that will make your neighbors blush with envy, demonstrate that you are indeed the proud owner of a Y-chromosome, and cause random women to toss their sexy underthings at you with reckless abandon. (Warning: results may vary depending on your inherent sexiness.)

FOR THE CAVEMAN

Watching TV is an essential part of my diet. It’s full of vitamins, fiber, and all that other good stuff 9 of 10 doctors recommend. With the second half of The Walking Dead’s Season 2 debuting soon, I need to seriously step up my TV intake. Luckily, I have the cure! And the cure is more cowbell! Or quite possibly one of LG’s amazing, super-thin OLED television screens.

It’s the Kate Moss of televisions.

I saw these babies unveiled at CES and my jaw instantly dropped to the floor. I cast awkward glances at my 60-inch Sharp LED like she was an aging trophy wife and I just saw a hot 20-something winking at me as she walked by. Needless to say, I immediately started drawing plans that will invariably lead to the untimely and mysterious demise of Mrs. TheMatt in a tragic sledgehammer-to-the-face accident. Can you imagine catching the latest UFC bout on this thing? Or playing the latest, hottest video games? Can you imagine completely ignoring your significant other’s complaints about your lack of intimacy, piss poor hygiene, and the number of potato chips stuck in the sofa cushions while having your eyes caressed by this heaven-sent television and grunting out occasional responses like Tim Taylor? Sign me up!

For the gamer on the next jump…

Credit: Relativity Media

Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire gets its theatrical release next Friday, January 20th, but the first five minutes of the action/thriller can be seen online and here, on Yell! Magazine.

The scene introduces us to Mallory (MMA great, Gina Carano) and Aaron (Channing Tatum) as they meet up in a diner. After some awkward dialog, Aaron attacks Mallory and proceeds to kick the shit out of her. When a poor, unsuspecting bystander intervenes (because no man should beat on a woman), Mallory has an opportunity to turn the tide of the fight — and she takes it. If only Aaron had tapped out.

While Haywire co-stars such Hollywood heavyweights as Ewan McGregor, Michael Douglas, Antonio Banderas, and Bill Paxton (OK, so they might not be heavyweights), it’s a genre flick with appropriately awful acting (if these five minutes are any indication). Still, it’s bound to be a fun-filled action ride that’s enjoyable from start to finish.

Check back next week for Yell! Magazine’s full review of Haywire.

Enjoy the clip and…

Rock Hard!

Gina Carano in Haywire (2012) Picture

Gina Carano has been out of the MMA spotlight for quite some time now, ever since her first career loss to Cris Cyborg in STRIKEFORCE on August 15, 2009. It’s been a long two and half years, and her first major deal with Hollywood will finally be revealed this month in the highly anticpiated action/thriller Haywire.

Brought to you by the award-winning director Steven Soderbergh (Traffic, Ocean’s Eleven, Contagion), the opportunity was given to Gina over a four-hour lunch. For Soderbergh, it was her fighting abilities that gave her the lock as the lead alpha female role. Haywire also stars Ewan McGregor, Michael Douglas, and Antonio Banderas.

Ewan McGregor in Haywire (2012) picture

Since her defeat, Carano explained in an recent interview that she used it to focus on her movie, which has her performing 98% of the stunts for the lead charater, Mallory Kane, to spend time with family, and to work out some personal issues she has been facing. It would be no surprise to know that the fight against Cris Cyborg possibly had more impact on her than anyone could have imagine, since her dream is to be recognized as the best female MMA fighter in the world, and that dream was shattered in a single night by Cyborg. Carano also expressed how much more she wants to learn about acting, and is convinced that making movies is something you can do in the long-term. With that said, Carano continues to keep it a secret to whether or not she will return to fighting in STRIKEFORCE, but hinted that after Janurary 20th an answer will certainty be revealed.

Gina Carano in STRIKEFORCE

As much as we want to see Gina Carano back inside the cage, rather than focus on film, we just can’t see her doing both, especially if she wants to be the best female MMA fighter. Managing two intense careers would be challenging even for a highly successful female role-model like Carano, who doesn’t believe she is the most organized person in the world. Plus the two female divisions in STRIKEFORCE is stronger than ever with the best female fighters like Miesha Tate, Ronda Rousey, and Sarah Kaufman to name a few. Jumping in on the roster now would definitely be a new challenge for Gina to face, but anything is possible for Carano. She’s capable of quickly moving up the ranks again, and fulfilling her dream to become a champion one day.

Gina Carano’s next film

Gina Carano is rumored to star as “Circle” in another Hollywood film called Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters, directed by Thor Freudenthal. This would see her starring alongside Logan Lerman and Alexandra Daddario. The film is already in pre-production, and is scheduled to be released sometime in 2013.

Time will only tell now, and we will all have to see how well Haywire performs at the box office, and how critics will rate her movie. In the meantime, keep your eyes out on Gina Carano, and check back soon, here at Yell! Magazine, to read the review on Haywire.

BONUS: Remembering Gina Carano In MMA