“Uwe Boll can bring a fresh eye to the project and we feel it’s high time that Hollywood lets him redeem himself. He’s adding even more of a slapstick element to the movie and it really works well with Diablo Cody‘s script alterations.”

The remake has recently faced casting troubles when lead actress Lily Collins was replaced in favor of Jane Levy. Wonder if it has something to do with Boll’s directional style?

Original series creator/director Sam Raimi and former series star Bruce Campbell could not be reached for comment, but the Internet outcry has already been so great that early footage is being promised to ensure that Boll is bringing justice to the remake.

We here at Yell! Magazine know which side of the fence we stand on, but we’ll let the fans weigh in on this one. Please leave your comments below; we’d love to hear your thoughts.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

Uwe Boll

Legendary Yell! Magazine contributor TheMatt passed away yesterday at the tender age of 32. The beloved [Editor’s note: “Snicker!”] writer died from complications from an apocalyptic rectal explosion while engaging in his favorite pastime of grabbing orphan children by their ankles and smashing them into random pedestrians. Investigators report that several innocent bystanders were injured by the shrapnel. Namely, tiny pieces of half-digested Cheesy Poofs flung willy-nilly from the deceased’s anus like some sort of rectal volcano. One injured party shared this comment with Yell! Magazine:

“It burns in my eyes! It was like orange Gatling gun fire, pelting everybody with cheesy projectiles of doom! Oh God, there’s some in my mouth! DOOOOOOOOM!”

Doom, indeed. One small child was hit right in the forehead with a particularly crusty piece of anal effluence and knocked unconscious. Friends of TheMatt told this reporter that, had the beloved idol of millions (Read: Two Twitter followers, both of which are his Mom) not had his mouth frozen in a cheese-encrusted, orange speckled rigor-mortis death grin, he would have smiled at the accuracy of his anal discharges.

To eulogize this great man, we talked to his colleagues at Yell! Magazine. The assembled group was so overcome with savage loss that, in the interim five minutes between learning of their friend’s death and our visit, they had already passed through the first six stages of grief. Brave, noble acceptance was their shield against this tragic loss. We approached Shawn Loeffler, one of TheMatt’s greatest friends and supporters, for a comment but he couldn’t stop laughing and rolling on the floor hysterically long enough to catch his breath. The poor man was evidently too caught up in his pain to speak.

Jamie Lee, co-worker and occasional attempted murderer of TheMatt, shared her thoughts on the matter with us.

“It’s my fault. It’s all my fault!”

There, there, I admonished, nobody was to blame for this tragic incident. Well, maybe Frito-Lay.

“It was me! I placed a curse on his Cheesy Poofs. I asked the Dark Lord Baal to destroy him for me. TheMatt kept jumping out from behind the potted fern at the water fountain to dry hump my leg while whistling “In-a-gadda-da-vida” like an Irish folksong! I asked Baal to kill his ass. I didn’t think he’d take it so literally…”

King Hazard, affectionately referred to as Evil Tormenting Boss #1 by the deceased, had this to say:

“He’s dead?! Oh, my God!”

Clearly, the gaping, open wound the death of his friend had left was still raw.

“It’s about fucking time! Who did it? Did it hurt? Was it a long, drawn-out death or did they put two in the back of his head and call it day? Oh, God… I hope it hurt. I hope they unleashed a pair of trained attack badgers on his testicles. Wait, where’s the body? Did you check for a pulse?”

I put a gentle hand on the distraught Ladanyi’s shoulder and informed him of the method of his friend’s demise. A pleased grin crossed his lips. “He died as he lived.” How’s that, I ask?

“An asshole.”

Happy April Fools’ Day!

Credit: BetweenTheHorns.com

As of April 1, 2012, heavy metal music will be banned throughout the United States. The U.S. Supreme Court heard testimony on Friday from the researchers who conducted the Emotive Auditory Reactionary Equilibrium study at the renowned University of Ninnyhammer.

Head Researcher Dr. Hans Evol stated that, “After observing 30,000 rabid fans at the Mayhem Fest drink excessive amounts of beer and Jaegermeister, pay $8 for a bottle of water, gorge on trans fat all day, get in a pit and come out bloody and sweaty, and in the end share a mutual scream with a friend, it’s evident that this music is causing bouts of temporary insanity and violence that is detrimental to the overall goal of creating a complacent society by means of generic pop.”

As the final decision was announced, Justice Judge Reinhold stated that “heavy metal has plagued our society for far too long.” He went on to say that “heavy metal has damaged our youth and contributed to the destruction of the very fabric from which our great nation conceals itself. The disaffected youth of America need to grow up.”

Protests not unlike Occupy Wall Street gathered outside the U.S. Supreme Court. What started as peaceful demonstrations turned into the world’s largest mosh pit. Also, some notable heavy metal acts arrived with their gear and played at street level. These acts include Anal Cunt, Slipknot, Cannibal Corpse, Slayer, a reunited ‘Nsync, and Taylor Swift.

There have been attacks against heavy metal in the past. During the 1980s there was Tipper Gore and the PMRC, Dee Snider of Twisted Sister defended his lyrics in court, and Ozzy Osbourne was accused of causing teen suicide. The Christian Right organized Fahrenheit 451-style album burnings in an effort to purge the evil from the youth.

When asked what he thought of the topic of deliberations within the halls of justice, a former metalhead (who will remain nameless because he’s since had his gender reassigned) stated, “I think it’s great. Heavy metal is a scourge upon our society. I hit rock bottom when my mom discovered me passed out in the basement with a crucifix stuck in my ass. I’m glad heavy metal will be banned.”

Find out what kind of sexual demonstrations happened on Friday in support of heavy metal after the jump…