So, while making fun of emo kids and their moms is a required daily activity at the office (shit, you can’t even get a job here if you don’t make one cry), it comes as no surprise that we’ve been all over this hardcore dancing craze like cheap mascara on an emo dude. The first, second, and third time we viewed these videos we pissed ourselves laughing. But did you see us sobbing in our beer because we made a boo-boo in our pants? Hell no. We sat in the sun to dry our hot piss. And then we found some more videos to laugh at.
Hardcore Dancing Worldwide
Sadly, this hardcore dancing deal is a global phenom. Well, at least from here to Japan. I’m not sure what our excuse is, but the have always had eccentric tastes and interests. Perhaps we’ve just raised a generation of pussies. Put a rifle in their hands and send ‘em to some overseas desert; that’ll give them something to cry about – and some purpose beside being a waste of flesh.
When moshing was new it was criticized for not being dancing and that anyone could do it. The thing is, though, that it didn’t pretend to be dancing. It was purposefully violent. And if anyone can do it, I dare a Justin Bieber fan to participate in a circle pit. However, any asshole can flail about like a drunken fish.
OK, every generation’s predecessors devalue what the young‘uns are into, but in the case of the hardcore dancing dance-dance revolution, it really is stupid. If you find yourself doing such hardcore dance moves as “The Brutal” (jumping up and down on alternate feet and looking like you’re about to piss yourself), “The Windmill” (swinging your arms and ending with a karate kick), “The Shopping Cart” (yeah, you mime grocery shopping), or any of the other signature move, you’re a dumbass. You should go find your grandpappy’s shotgun, run up to the attic, rub the barrel down with some vaseline, and shove it squarely up your ass.
By the way, if you’re emo, we’re not actually suggesting you harm yourself in anyway. We know you’re sensitive and might take our facetiousness for austerity. If you hate us, please leave a note in the comments section below.
Seriously, hardcore dancing looks like a 4 year old having a temper tantrum… or a World of Warcraft addict who lost his level 70 mage:
How We Really Feel About Hardcore Dancing
We at Yell! Magazine go to a lot of shows and concerts, and we have yet to witness this pathetic cry for attention, but I have it on good authority from a trusted source that this hardcore dancing trend has, in fact, infected our community. If what happens in the followinghappens to me, you best believe me when I say that I’ll remove his spleen via his ass. Emo shitface will also get the kind of ass-whipping that, when said emo douche walks in the door of his house with missing teeth, black eyes (not from mascara), a crooked nose, and ears, his drunken stepfather say, “Boy, you must’ve deserved it.”
This emo shit led us to find something else that’s very cool, which we’ll share with you shortly. Until then, enjoy the instructional hardcore dancing video. But, above all else, don’t dance like this; you look like a retard.
Oh, and if you’re emo and leave a comment (please do) such as “this is a real mosh pit you pussy..thats how we do it” from benjamin94jimmy on YouTube, and your piss and moan some weak-ass defense, and ask us to like you, and tell us that you’re people too, fuck off. You’re just proving our point that you’re a pussy. Go home and cut yourself.
Rock Hard \m/