Or: Start spreading the guts, I’m killing today, I want to be a part of it, New York, New York!
Whenever Friday The 13th takes a step away from Crystal Lake, fans begin to worry. And with good reason. Whether it’s the far-flung future or New York, Jason Voorhees without Crystal Lake is like Freddy without Elm Street: a pale imitation. Of course, as fans are already aware, very little of Jason Takes Manhattan actually takes place there. A more appropriate title of Part VIII might be: Friday The 13th On A Boat.
We’re gonna need a bigger ax.
Despite every single visitor over the last decade or so ending up impaled on the pointy end of something sharp, people seem determined to visit Crystal Lake. Could it be the scenic murder sites? Or the fantastic body dumping grounds? Maybe it’s the machete marks left on shattered doors? Come get your picture taken next to the severed head of Jason’s mother, bring your kids! Whatever the allure of Crystal Lake might be, a pair of young lovers on a romantic cruise through its waters soon disturb Jason’s grave and our favorite angry goalie is more than willing to contribute to the lake’s next tourist attraction.
Our friendly staff will be delighted to cater to your needs. You must be THIS tall to ride Jason’s machete.
One quick case of stabbus-interruptus later and Jason decides to go on vacation by hitching a ride on a passing cruise ship. A cruise ship filled with horny teens, but of course! There’s nothing wrong with Part VIII that a combination of imagination, good writing, a decent budget, quality actors, and a complete do-over couldn’t fix. I kid, I kid. But only a little.
Jason Takes Manhattan is a middling entry in the franchise. So-so kills, a boring setting, and a totally redonkulous final New York-set sequence makes for a bizarre mish-mash of ideas. Adding insult to injury, the movie’s ending, which sees Jason inexplicably returned to infant form, makes about as much sense as casting Clay Aiken in a movie about manly men doing manly things while being manly about it. Watch for a quick cameo from Ken Kirzinger, who would go on to play the masked killer in Freddy vs. Jason.
BEST KILL: Quite possibly the single funniest kill in the entire series — amusing yet still disgustingly awesome.
BEST BABE:Jason Takes Manhattan is very light on the nudity. And what’s on display isn’t anywhere near the series’ best. Still, here’s Tiffany Paulsen to keep Mr. Happy standing at attention until something better comes along.
Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday
Or: Oh no! You’re not getting me to fall for that “final” crap again!
Jason Goes To Hell holds a special place in my heart. Right next to my cockles, a word which the Merriam-Webster dictionary assures me isn’t as dirty as it sounds. Final Friday is the only Friday The 13th movie I saw during its theatrical run. Having just discovered the series on VHS, I managed to convince my mom to come see the latest entry with me. What? VHS? It’s a magical device we used to play our movies on. Stop giving me that look like I’m the senile old man on the block that keeps telling kids to get off his lawn!
Anyway, I recall there being a mild frenzy to catch Jason Goes To Hell in theaters. After all, this was going to be the very last Friday The 13th movie EVAHRRRRR! Only completely sucky people wouldn’t get to see it. And I was still at that tender age when the opinion of my classmates regarding my suckiness quotient still mattered to me. Nowadays I poopoo from a very great height on the opinions of others. But let’s put aside my fecal digression for a moment and focus on the movie. Taking the undead Jason angle to its most ridiculous extreme, Final Friday’s main threat comes in the form of Jason’s… essence? Soul? Slug?
I’m going with Soul Slug™.
What’s the best kill and who’s the hottest babe in Hell?