Previously Published on Yell!
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Here we are again, on Jason’s chopping block, my much too easily dismembered readers. Seriously, guys! Why don’t you get some muscle tone going or something? If you can’t survive more than one machete strike to your dangly bits, then how am I supposed to make my rapid and not at all cowardly escape while using you all as disposable human meat shields? Where’s your commitment to keeping your faithful and much-more-important-than-you reviewer alive? Rest assured, your sacrifices will not go forgotten.
Thanks… Billy? Bob? Billy-Bob?
Hey, isn’t that a scene from Total Recall? You know what that means! Hot, three-breasted Martian hooker action for any reader who manages to reach the end of this article. Don’t say I never reward with the gift of boobies. Speaking of unleashed sweater puppies, this is’s Friday The 13th Retrospective Part 2: Retrospective Harder!
In Part 1, we thoroughly examined Jason’s best kills and drooled over his sexiest victims. Well, I drooled. Maybe it’s a glandular problem. Or a horny-son-of-a-bitch problem. Either way, it’s a problem. The maid is getting tired of wiping up my drool puddles and other assorted puddles, which we won’t discuss at this particular junction in time. Suffice it to say, it’s never a good idea to take off your shoes in my house.
Where was I? Sorry, bodily fluids distract me something fierce. I blame myself for never moving past the masturbatory phase of my existence. What? I’m sharing, you ungrateful bastards! Sigh. Nobody loves me. Except lefty, righty, and Bambi the rhino horn sniffing hooker whose comatose form the plumber finally managed to pry off my crapper this week. (See: Top 10 Shark Movies and Top 10 Disappointing Threequels.) She was totally inappropriate for the tone of this article anyway. I need to call the escort agency for a replacement running gag whore… something in keeping with this retrospective…
WE HAVE A WINNAH!
Or: Yeah, poke the dead serial killer with a lightning rod. What’s the worse thing that could happen?
Tommy Jarvis returns, played this time by Thom Matthews of Return Of The Living Dead. Jarvis wants to put his demons to sleep once and for all. Thus, he ventures to Jason’s final resting place in the hopes of reaching some form of closure by viewing the killer’s decomposing corpse. A bottle of Wild Turkey and enough Valium to anesthetize Richard Simmons works for me, but to each his own. In a twist nobody save a 5 year old could have predicted, Jarvis accidently, not to mention improbably, brings Jason back to life by sticking a metal pole in his body. Said pole is subsequently struck by lightning and before you can say, “It’s alive! It’s alive!” Jason is back to his old shenanigans.
Kind of you guys to bury me with my mask. Saves me the trouble of killing another fat kid.
Jason Lives is an odd duck. On the one hand, there’s a welcome sense of energy to the movie that wasn’t present in Part 5. On the other hand, the franchise’s growing penchant for gag kills was starting to become annoyingly too noticeable. For example, one chick gets cornered in an RV’s bathroom by Jason, he promptly shoves her head into the wall, which leaves a Looney Tunes-style imprint of her face on the other side. Hardy-har-har! What a kidder, that Jason. Another girl gets her head twisted all the way around by Jason’s newfound supernatural strength.
To make things worse, this is the only entry in the franchise without any nudity! None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. A whole lot of nada… nadalot? Teenagers bang, as usual, but they do it fully clothed. No nude skinny dipping scene. No gratuitous forest humping. What the hell?
BEST KILL: There really isn’t one. All of Jason’s victims buy the farm in completely unimaginative ways. So here’s a montage of every kill in the movie, maybe they’ll make more of an impact when strung together like this.
BEST BABE: How am I supposed to declare a winner when nobody gives up the goods? Sigh. Well, Darcy DeMoss, who is naked in everything else she’s ever starred in, is in the movie. So to keep you interested, here’s a totally random shot of her hidden assets.
Who was the first actor to reprise the Jason role for a second outing?