The Expendables 2 (2012) Review: The Old Men Cometh…

Now, normally, this is the part where you get a synopsis. We’ll keep it short this time around, because – well, let’s not try to fool ourselves about what it is that we’re watching.

The Expendables (Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Liam Hemsworth, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren and Yu Nan) seek revenge against Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) who’s managed to murder a member of the team, as well as enslave entire villages of people for a relatively simple plan that involves world domination, and boatloads of cash. Along the way, Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Church (Bruce Willis) step into the fray, and take care of business, ’80s style.

It’s big, it’s loud, and it’s profoundly stupid. It’s everything we could want in a movie like this. Jason Statham growls all his lines, Stallone’s are just plain unintelligible, and Schwarzenegger doles out Terminator looks left and right like it’s going out of style.

Terry Crews is now promoted to full-blown Terry Crews TM, complete with jarringly effeminate idiosyncrasies and permission to shout, “Oh Shit!” before something blows up behind him. Dolph Lundgren’s study of chemical engineering was somehow written in as well (probably because he was unsatisfied with his initial characterization before rewrites) all for the sake of a throwaway joke that leads into a satisfying bait and switch. Van Damme? Oh, he’s gone absolutely bonkers – I mean, have you seen his name? Jean freaking Vilain. As far as you need to know, that’s him in a nutshell. He’s delightfully eeevill, is prone to random bouts of theatrics, and even utilizes his signature 360 ballet kick – twice.

“This looks like a good time for a little drama.”

Pandering? Appealing to the lowest common denominator? Oh yes. Indeed. Very much so, actually. But, I couldn’t complain if I wanted to. The film is just a barrage of stupid, stupid fun – just as it rightfully should be. The audience resonated with every gag, and ooooh’d at all the right bone-crunching moves. Even if you’re one of those hum-drum intellectual types I keep hearing about on Fox, you can still find pleasure in just how over-the-top this flick can be.

And dear, sweet Grandma, it gets as over-the-top as it can. The team collectively empties their automatics on one guy. Terry Crews throws people against walls and then shoots them in the face with a assault shotgun. Jet Li goes Ip Man on one guy, punching him repeatedly as his face becomes a human blood fountain. And Jason Statham packs brass knuckles in each hand as he goes mano-a-mano with a knife-wielding martial artist.

But – The Expendables 2 is not without its foibles. The CGI needs some work, and the quipping gets pretty cringe-worthy between Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis during the climax of the third act. Long story short, they just kind of overtly make references to each other’s movies, culminating with Schwarzenegger saying something about Rambo, which is uh… just plain stupid, ‘cause Stallone is standing like, 10 feet away.

Otherwise, The Expendables 2 winds up being a really solid action film. It’s everything you could want, need, or even imagine when you take a look at the cast. Every member shines and is suitably different, and everyone in the theater seemed to be thoroughly satisfied.

“Let’s get expendable.”

Yell! Rating:

So yeah, I give it 4 skulls, but then again, maybe it’s the lowered expectations. Either way, The Expendables 2 is definitely worth shelling out the money for, if you plan on seeing it in theaters. It’s a ball-busting, barrel-chested, all-American, smokin’-hunk of machismo that’ll make you laugh whether it’s trying to or not. Highly recommended – it’ll put hair on your chest, and nuts in your sack. Enjoy it, broheim. Do it for me.

PSEUDO-SPOILER ALERT

If you’re a Jet Li fan, it’s worth mentioning that he’s only around for the first 20 minutes, before he disappears entirely. He’s showcased in a fight scene that trumps anything he did in the first film, but after that, he’s out. I didn’t have a problem with it, because the movie’s just so damned entertaining, but people who are big fans of his might be disappointed.

“I left ’cause everybody made fun of me.”