Valentine’s Day 2013

There’s a growing segment of the population that refuses to bend to the social convention of Valentine’s Day. It’s one thing for toddlers and teens to share candies and chocolate, and to spread “love” around, but for adults, it’s downright ridiculous. It’s a Hallmark holiday that’s celebrated with inflated prices. It’s cheesy and retarded.

However, it does provide an opportunity to get back at someone who has broken your pathetic little heart. We’re going to call this Black Hearts Day, and we’re about to get disgusting with our venture into revenge.

Note: Yell! Magazine won’t be held responsible for any repercussions you may face from deploying any of our Black Hearts Day tips. We offer these tips as a joke, to make you laugh, because only a sick bastard would laugh at what we’re about to suggest.

No.5 Dedicate an Anti-Love Song

If you’re of the sort that still listens to the radio, you might take this opportunity to call in to request a dedication. Where most dedications are made to proclaim love or wish someone a happy birthday, you should make a Black Hearts Day dedication. You can name the person or just drop identifying hints at who he/she is, and you might want to explain why your ex is such a horrible person. We suggest a song like Pantera’s “This Love” or KISS’ “Save Your Love.”

No.4 Stink Palm

Yes, I’m lifting this tip from Mallrats. When Jason Lee’s Brodie stink palmed Michael Rooker’s Jared, this act instantly went into a “must do to someone I loathe” category. (Note that Michael Rooker currently plays another asshole on The Walking Dead. Talk about type casting.) If you’re unfamiliar with what Stink Palming is, it’s really quite a simple task. Basically stick your hand down the back of your pants, rub it around in the crack of your ass, and then shake someone’s hand. Their hand will stink for days.

No.3 Give Your Ex A Kiss

Yes, but not your ordinary kiss. We suggest you give oral pleasure to your current significant other (if you don’t have one, I can recommend a hooker) and make it a purpose not to wash up. Also, make it a purpose to come face to face with your ex. Be nice. Be civil. Give him or her a kiss – even if it’s just on the cheek. The satisfaction of knowing he or she is walking around with that on his or her face will be unmatched.

No.2 Send Sex Toys

You know, you can either send this package of fun to your ex’ office, school, or at home, where they can open it in private. What are you sending exactly? Try sending a dildo or some lube (depending on the sex of your ex). Attach a note saying, “Because no one wants you.”
Ouch, right?

No1. Send Black Roses

This one isn’t much different than entry No. 2. However, send these to your ex’ work or school – because this kind of humiliation is best suited for the public. Besides, your ex broke your heart and he/she deserves it. Again, attach a note that says, “Just like your heart.” This way you can avoid the accusation that you’re wishing your ex were dead – that’s just inhuman. And saying that someone’s heart is black ties in very nicely with the idea of Black Hearts Day.

Again, we offer these tips in jest only. You could spread diseases with some of these ideas and we’d never condone bullying. Keep these tips locked up safe in the revenge-fantasy section of your brain.

Rock Hard \m/

I personally find it great that the White House, or U.S. Government, has this resource to answer questions or petitions made by its citizens. Even if a petition is made facetiously, the Government still takes the time to answer with insight. Harsher critics, however, will complain that responding to such petitions is a waste of tax payers’ dollars. But, judging by the end of this response, I see it as a call to action to American citizens to get off their asses and make the future today.

Official White House response to the petition follows.

Rock Hard \m/

The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:

-The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
-The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
-Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?

However, look carefully and you’ll notice something already floating in the sky — that’s no Moon, it’s a Space Station! Yes, we already have a giant, football field-sized International Space Station in orbit around the Earth that’s helping us learn how humans can live and thrive in space for long durations. The Space Station has six astronauts — American, Russian, and Canadian — living in it right now, conducting research, learning how to live and work in space over long periods of time, routinely welcoming visiting spacecraft and repairing onboard garbage mashers, etc. We’ve also got two robot science labs — one wielding a laser — roving around Mars, looking at whether life ever existed on the Red Planet.

Keep in mind, space is no longer just government-only. Private American companies, through NASA’s Commercial Crew and Cargo Program Office (C3PO), are ferrying cargo — and soon, crew — to space for NASA, and are pursuing human missions to the Moon this decade.

Even though the United States doesn’t have anything that can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, we’ve got two spacecraft leaving the Solar System and we’re building a probe that will fly to the exterior layers of the Sun. We are discovering hundreds of new planets in other star systems and building a much more powerful successor to the Hubble Space Telescope that will see back to the early days of the universe.

We don’t have a Death Star, but we do have floating robot assistants on the Space Station, a President who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon, and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which is supporting research on building Luke’s arm, floating droids, and quadruped walkers.

We are living in the future! Enjoy it. Or better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field. The President has held the first-ever White House science fairs and Astronomy Night on the South Lawn because he knows these domains are critical to our country’s future, and to ensuring the United States continues leading the world in doing big things.

If you do pursue a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field, the Force will be with us! Remember, the Death Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Paul Shawcross is Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget

Death Star And President Obama

Fans of the reimagining tale of Carrie should also expect Chloë Grace Moretz (Carrie White) and Julianne Moore (Margaret White) to be present at the panel, including producer Kevin Misher and director Kimberly Peirce.

New York Comic Con takes place from October 11th-14th at the Javits Center (655 West 34th Street, New York).

2012 New York Comic Con: Carrie

To celebrate the 100th year since Bram Stoker’s death, creator of Dracula, and since Nosferatu is an unauthorized adaptation of his novel, the 2012 Montreal ComicCon is holding this special, one-time-only event that’s not to be missed. There will also be live music from Eric and Justin of Sweet Mother Logic, period costumes, and a slick coffin.

The tickets are going on sale sometime this week for only $12 (plus taxes). Visit the official Montreal ComicCon website for more news and daily updates.

Nosferatu: A Tribute To Bram Stoker With Live Music

So check out the awesome schedule below, and if you see something of interest to you, make sure you head over to the Montreal ComicCon website to purchase your tickets online.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14TH

Screening Room #1
04:15pm – NAILBITER
06:00pm – SHORT PROGRAM #2
07:15pm – TERROR OF DRACULA (* Hosted by director Anthony D.P. Mann & producer Bill Bossert.)

09:45pm – TBA
12:ooam – FAMINE

Screening Room #2
04:15pm – PHI FILMS + SHORT PROGRAM #1
07:00pm – SPASM FILM FESTIVAL
08:15pm – NIGHTSCAPE (*Hosted by director David W. Edwards, star Emily Galash & Joshua St. James.)

10:15pm – IT’S IN THE BLOOD
12:00am – BLOODY BLOODY BIBLE CAMP

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15TH

Screening Room #1
11:00am – KROKODYLE
12:45pm – INCIDENT
02:30pm – MHorrorFest EXCLUSIVE SNEAK PEEKS ( *Hosted by director Brett Kelly, star Sacha Gabriel ( and Lawrence Evenchick from My Fair Zombie. )

04:15pm – SHORT PROGRAM #4
05:30pm – JACOB ( * Hosted by Director Larry Wade Carrell, Actress Grace Powell and actor Dylan Horne )

07:45pm – KILL SHAKESPEARE

10:15pm – SMOKE AND MIRRORS : THE STORY OF TOM SAVINI ( * Hosted by Tom Savini and director Jason Baker)

12:00am – THE ORPHAN KILLER ( Hosted by director Matt Farnsworth along with actors Diane Foster and David Backhaus

Screening Room #2
11:00am – VITESSE LUMIÈRE FILM FESTIVAL + MAYFAIR THEATRE
01:15pm – SHORT PROGRAM #3
03:15pm – RAZOR DAYS ( *Hosted by Director Mike Watt and star Amy Lynn Best )

05:15pm – BILLY’S CULT ( *Hosted by director Michael P. Lucas )

07:15pm – LITTLE TERRORS
08:30pm – CELL COUNT ( *Hosted by director Todd E. Freeman )

10:15pm – SICK BOY
12:00am – MURDER UNIVERSITY

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16TH

Screening Room #1

11:00am – CALIBRE 9
12:45pm – MIMESIS
02:45pm – TBA
03:45pm – MEGAN IS MISSING ( *Hosted by director Michael Goi )

Screening Room #2
11:00am – SHORT PROGRAM #5
01:00pm – GALLERY OF FEAR
03:45pm – SHORT PROGRAM #6 + VISCERA FILM FESTIVAL

THE ORPHAN KILLER

He is also known to have revolutionized the industry with many cult horror films such as Dawn of the Dead, Friday the 13th, The Burning, and The Prowler, just to name a few. Smoke and Mirrors will feature commentary by his peers Greg Nicotero, George A. Romero, Jerry Only, Doug Bradley, and Sid Haig.

Start planning for next month because the documentary will be hosted by Jason Baker, and star Tom Savini on Saturday, September 15, 2012 (10:15pm/screening room #1).

Stay tuned on Yell! Magazine for more updates on the 2012 Montreal HorrorFest.

2012 Montreal HorrorFest: Tom Savini

Today, they released information on four new additional feature films, and 17 shorts including this kick ass 14 inch resin trophy hand painted by Graveyard Kits that will be given to the lucky winners of the 2012 Montreal HorrorFest.

The additional lineup of films follows after the picture. Enjoy, and spread the word!

2nd Wave Of Feature Films:

BILLY’S CULT

Directed by Michael P. Lucas

MURDER UNIVERSITY

Directed by Richard Griffin

RAZOR DAYS

Directed by Mike Watt

FAMINE

Directed by Ryan Nicholson

2012 Montreal HorrorFest Feature Film Lineup

Either because it’s made as a cheap thrill ride for tourist coming into the country, and wanting to experience something outside of the box or because it’s just a secret, underground event organized by weirdos and wackos just for the sake of making a little money on the side.

I honestly can’t deny that it’s somewhat entertaining to watch, but I only hope the midgets enjoy it, and making some dough. The smallest guy in the blue trunks surprisingly dominates the fights.

Check out the video, and share!

Since the 2005 launch of the Montreal ComicCon, it’s the first year the convention will introduce its own HorrorFest during the 3 day span which, begins on Friday, September 14th until Sunday, September 16th.

Until the next leg of horror films, and shorts that is expected to be announced again this month. Continue to stay up-to-date at the HorrorFest website.

HorrorFest 2012 Feature Film List:

† BLOODY BLOODY BIBLE CAMP

Directed by Vito Trabucco

† CALIBRE 9

Directed by Jean-Christian Tassy

† GALLERY OF FEAR

Directed by Alan Rowe Kelly / Anthony G. Summer

† INCIDENT

Directed by Mariano Cattaneo

† IT’S IN THE BLOOD

Directed by Scooter Downey

† JACOB

Directed by Larry Wade Carrell

† KROKODYLE

Directed by Stefano Bessoni

† MEGAN IS MISSING

Directed by Michael Goi

† MIMESIS

Directed by Douglas Schulze

† NAILBITER

Directed by Patrick Rea

† NIGHTSCAPE

Directed by David W. Edwards

† THE ORPHAN KILLER

Directed by Matt Farnsworth

† CELL COUNT

Directed by Todd E. Freeman

† SICK BOY

Directed by Tim T. Cunningham

† THE TERROR OF DRACULA

Directed by Anthony D.P. Mann

2012 Montreal HorrorFest Film Lineup

Like every year, for three days, attendees have the chance to dress up, purchase a myriad of things (from comics to toys to games to clothes), and to meet their favorite stars in the worlds of Sci-Fi, Horror, Anime and Comic books, among others.

Never one to disappoint, or fail to entice, the creators of the Montreal ComicCon bring you guests to tickle your every fancy. This year, guests include William Shatner, who’s famous for, well, everything, and Wil Wheaton, who played Gordie Lachance in the cult-classic movie Stand By Me, as well as Ensign Wesley Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation, and who’s recently renewed his cult-y fame by playing himself (and Sheldon’s nemesis) on the TV Series The Big Bang Theory.

Next up, we have Malcolm McDowell, probably best known for his eerily fantastic portrayal of sadist Alex in Stanley Kurbrick’s A Clockwork Orange. Get your DVDs ready for autographing folks, I know I will be!

There’s even something for the girlfriends (unless, of course, they’re positively geektactular broads like myself). Hunky and so-bad-it’s-oh-so-good vamp Spike (James Marsters) and adorable, fumbling side-kick Xander (Nicolas Brendon) of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame will be eagerly awaiting your fan-girl swooning (OK, MY fan-girl swooning).

Not to be outdone by providing eye-candy for the ladies, Supergirl (aka, Laura Vandervoort), will be there, providing all the boys with yummy-dreams for years to come.

For all you Horror buffs out there, you can geek out on meeting Gunnar Hansen of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, as well as flamboyantly bizarro Toxie-creator Lloyd Kaufman (seriously, is anyone as excited as I am?).

Rounding off our list of guests are Kevin Sorbo (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys), Brent Spinner (Commander Data of Star Trek: TNG), and John de Lancie (Star Trek and Stargate SG-1).

Comic enthusiasts will be jumping out of their redshirts (heh, heh, see what I did there?) to learn that the ever amazing Mike Mignola of Dark Horse will be hanging around to sign your most prized comics, as will Tim Sale, Ben Templesmith, Kelly Tindall, and many, many others.

Aside from all the fantastic guests planned for this year’s Montreal ComicCon, there are also a multitude of special events planned. A professional photo booth will be set up so you can get yourself a beautiful memento of the time you nerded it up in front of your favorite star. Every year there are many panels and Q & As planned that you can attend. Though the schedule is not listed yet, you can be sure you’ll be hearing from William Shatner, Malcolm McDowell, Nicolas Brendon, and Laura Vandervoort. Most of the comic artists will also be on hand to sketch you out an original, one-of-a-kind sketch of your most-loved superhero. If you’re into Cosplay, make sure you have your best costume on while you attend because there’s always a Masquerade Ball and a costume contest. Be warned though, just coming in with some zombie makeup or store-bought super hero outfit isn’t enough to compete against the best of the best of Montreal’s Cosplayers. Those cats are crazy!

For all you geekalicious gamers out there, fear not, there’s something for you too! There are card tournaments set up throughout the weekend, and I challenge any of you to try to beat me in a Yu-Gi-Oh Battle! My deck is the superior-ist (or something).

Shopping is brought to you by the greatest of Montreal’s comic, Horror, and Sci-Fi vendors, and I guarantee you won’t leave without buying something. I never do. You can find Horror merchandise from Geektropolis/Graveyard Kids, Akumu Ink, and L’Hotel 54, Montreal’s biggest haunted house! Toys can be found at the booths for Toys on Fire, the Statue Guys, Star Wars Toy Hunter, and Legends Action Figures, among others. For anyone who’s curious, and I’m sure you all are, I buy all of my figures from Legends. Those guys have everything! For some wicked T-Shirts, make sure you swing by MTC Toys, Heavy Mental Designs, and Alternative Cinema’s booths. I don’t even have enough room to go into the Comic book vendors, so just trust me, there are tons! You’ll be able to find everything you need, and many things you never knew you needed until you saw it at the Montreal ComicCon!

So kids, I hope to see you all there! If you see me, come on over and say hi, I might be the one in the Cat Woman costume.

William Shatner, Montreal Comiccon 2012